entry #8, 6/25/2024 7:17AM

these blogs are happening more frequently than i'd like, but here we are. i'm probably having some kind of episode. i don't know what i have if i even have anything that isn't anxiety and depression, but it's been beating my ass for a while.

i haven't seriously left the house in a month, and 90% of that time is spent in my room. the other 10% is bathroom runs, snack runs, and the occasional going outside to check the mail or take the trash bin to the road. i actually get a little excited whenever i remember there's mail to be checked, because it means i get to have a reason to leave the house, even if only for a few minutes.

i've just been feeling so shit lately. for a while, i thought i might be physically ill with something, but nothings changed. i haven't gotten worse and i haven't gotten any better, so i don't think i'm physically sick. i know i feel so bad because i haven't left the house, but i don't have any reason to do that. nobody ever invites me for fast food runs anymore, my irl friend doesn't want to hang out with me, and i don't have any other friends irl.

i texted her yesterday to try and spark conversation. it lasted 6 messages, the majority being mine, so i guess that's pretty telling. i can tell when someone doesn't want to talk to me, and her texts sounded like they were just a courtesy, not something she really wanted to say to me, but something she felt like she had to say so as to not be rude. because we are "friends".

i'd be less offended if she just straight up told me "i don't want to talk to you." because then i wouldn't feel like i'm being jerked around. i know she wants to cut me loose, but i've told her so much, and she knows so much, that i think she just feels bad for me, bad enough to just keep me around.

but enough about her, because i had a thought earlier that made me want to write this blog.

fuck the elden ring dlc and fuck the summer time.

fuck the elden ring dlc because my best friend bought it when it came out, and i haven't hung out with him since. that game is taking him away from me. and fuck the summer time, because it's been so humid and rainy since it started, not only that, all of my friends are being dragged away now that they all have time to do better things.

i was actually excited about summer coming, because i thought "hey, everyones gonna be free now, so we can all hang out, play video games, even late night calls where we don't even really say anything." none of that has happened since summer started. i don't even like summer anyway, because i don't like hot weather, so fuck this stupid season to high hell.

i wanna write more, but i also wanna go play video games to get my mind off this bullshit, so i'll probably write another blog later today.