there are no atheists in foxholes

WHATEVER gets me through the day....

the end of the tunnel has never looked this close. i'm one heart break away from making it out. i don't know how many heart breaks it'll be till i make it (or make it), though. it's so hard knowing what's wrong with you and how to fix it but not being able to.... i'm still stuck in the waiting game, but the hourglass is almost fucking up.

sometimes i feel so guilty for leaning upon IT. is this the cost of sobriety? i would say sanity in exchange for sobriety, but being high made it all so much worse that i know that isn't true. but i have to have faith in something. i have to.... hearing other people discuss faithlessness makes me feel hopeless and guilty for my delusions. it doesn't make me feel delusional, because i know i am; my delusions, my hallucinations tend to make me happier. they give me something to believe in or at least hold on to.

i wonder if He's heard of my illness. sometimes i wonder if He's a Brother. He constantly gives me the Impression of THAT, too. maybe that's just another delusion.

i realized that saying that 'at least i'm self aware' might not make Any of IT better. maybe it means that i should just know better. sometimes i get so Jealous and Unsatisfied and Scared and Ashamed and Guilty, etc. that I JUST WANT IT TO GO AWAY.... sometimes i want to be a normal boy. but i don't think i can be.

i'm starting to kinda feel like i'll never really be happy. there are so many things wrong with me. i have so much baggage and i'm so afraid i'll never unpack it all; i'm so afraid that nobody besides myself will ever be able to handle me, and i can barely handle me.... i usually can't handle myself at all. i feel like i'm TOO MUCH of everything....

i feel like i'm inherently addicted. i am of the obsessive temperament.... i need Something to hold on to. tether me so i don't drift too deep.