The big spiel on Zedward

My Playlist for him went as follows:

Chasing Pavements - Adele (opening credits)

Streets -Doja Cat

Me on your Arm - Leith Ross

Good Luck Babe! - Chappell Roan (end credits)

(sl*t him out - baby tate) (hidden track)

Okay let's get this on paper to stop the world to stop this feeling!!!

I've been gaslighting myself to believe that Zedward doesn't have any responsibility for how I feel, that it's all just in my head but the more I think about it the more untrue it is! I think initially, zedward found me unintimidating and so easy to approach so he did his weird little thing where he leaned in and looked into my eyes way too closely, he complimented my necklace, he complimented my voice, he was over-all just literally perched right on my goddamn schlong but I do think he's just a people pleaser. I think he did all that to generally not be disliked.

That being said when he was new, nobody really talked to him and I think it's because he also didn't talk to anyone. I think I did myself a disservice by opting to jump in and be his friend. And this is before I even felt a single thing towards him. I remember when he first showed up and thinking ok cool he's a generally attractive guy but I also did not care even a little bit because I was preoccupied with someone else. I was fully un-affected!

But then my mom and home-town friends decided to visit and I didn't want it to look like I had no friends so I made genuine effort to talk to everyone including him. I'd pinpoint the beginning to me asking about something related to his heritage but then I remember the reason I knew about his heritage to begin with was because of a forced proximity moment he had initiated.

Not gonna lie I kinda just stayed out of his way when he first came in and not only made zero effort to talk to him but I also kind of avoided it because idk I just didn't feel like it!!!!!!

But then one night we were kind of just forced to work together due to certain circumstances and he decided he'd ask me about my personal life. It immediately divulged into a very personal convo even if it was only like 15 minutes. I know way too much about his personal life for someone who'd barely conversed with him.

Random insert but I'm sort of dreading tomorrow. I don't know what it will be like- whether he'll feel like following me around all day or on a cold spell, either one potentially makes it worse.

I genuinely don't know what would make it better. I just need to move on really. I don't understand what he wants and there's genuinely just no resolution and it's actually crazy. I just have to suffer till it ends I guess.

Anyways, back to where it all started!

SO the forced proximity moment happened, he asked about my personal life and at some point in the night he leaned in real close to tell me something and at this point I don't remember what it was but I INTINCTIVELY licked my lips and I would say I think he became aware of his effect on me at this point but he's also kind of DUMB!!!! so maybe he didn't catch it at all (but I'm pretty sure he was boundary testing later that night when he leaned in again to thank me for my work and saying goodbye.)

The timeline is sort of blurry but I'm pretty sure after that, I had the desk shift where he was managing and he told me he was gonna participate in passover or something totally wackadoodle. But I spent like the whole day talking to him and I feel like that's when the friendship lightbulb kind of went off in his head and I became his /friend/.

And then he tried to talk to me at least three times while I was in the bakery like few days after that. He walked in once while I was in the middle of tickets and just left. And then he came in again, I was still doing tickets so he got some chocolate and walked out. And third time, he came in singing and I smiled and nodded at him but then one of my coworkers called me to help with something and he walked out again.

After that, he kept talking to me while passing down the big hallway to the point where I was like asking my coworkers if they said hi to people every time they passed them and they were like no????

And I figured I'll just live with it! I'll just say hello whenever it came up or whatever!!! But then he got weirder with his greetings!!!!! And one time I was at the desk and he just came in all silly and goofy and all like "Yo yo Mariiiice" and that's when I asked him if I could DT and he was like sure. And I feel like up until this point this was the most normal interaction I've had with him. No nervousness from either side, chill! And if it ended there things probably would have died down. But NOO!!!! OFC IT DOESN'T END THEREEEE!!! So I thought he had fucked off for the rest of the shift but! BUT!!! He just shows up behind me in the middle of the shift while I was about to point at something and our hands touched and neither of us did anything so to make it less awkward he just grabbed my hand?!?!?!?!?!