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Morning entry:
I slept well. We got to have the air conditioning last night. I have not slept so well in the summer in such a long while. Normally we were not allowed to use it in our room despite it being the sunniest side of the house because it blows the fuse to the whole house...
We were just plugging it in the wrong socket all these years-
Half the room is connected to the bathroom fuse and the other half is a different fuse.
Crisis adverted, it will be nearly 100F or 37C the next few days and I would like to live.
I would like a haircut at some point to keep cooler. I don't think long hair suits me. When it gets to long it feels like I'm a guy wearing a bad wig if that makes sense.
it just feels silly-looking and embarrassing.
I survived making a hot breakfast without dying. I would normally make oatmeal but there is only one serving left so I will leave it in case someone else wants some.
I like the house right now. It's dark and cool and well ventilated. The windows are all closed and the lights are off, and its quiet other than the soft hum of fans. It's a feeling that hugs my mind comfortably and brings pleasant warmth to my cheeks. These are the kind of conditions I am happy in especially on a hot day that would usually overwhelm me.
We are planning to go to the mall, I do not mind since it will be kept cool, I can deal with people and bright light. But I will look forward to being home and writing about it.
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Afternoon entry:
I bought a snack at the mall but that was about it, nothing really interested me. too many shirts have graphics or are too short for my torso- Or too expensive- but I'm frugal and prude at times. I saw a bunch of things that reminded me of my partner's interests and sent pictures, she seemed to think they were cute. It was merch from that store BOXLUNCH. They came out with summer clothes for one piece and spiderman.
I'm home now. I want to play videogames now.
I remember my mom confessing she raised me almost purely off of internet articles because she had no friends who were moms. (She doesn't really like people and is very picky about who she spends time with. She will cut and run the moment things don't work out)
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Evening entry: TW: memories of being gr**med discussed.
5:30pm
I usually turn my ringer off when I am home because I get annoyed by constant notifications from other apps, but then I do not see or hear texts or calls.
I just presume that if someone in the house needs me they will come to me and ask.
I heard dad coughing, I presumed it was allergies and ignored.
I realize I missed two texts and a call
"Answer your f***ing phone"
he texted.
I received late. His girlfriend had taken him to the hospital because he inhaled chemicals.
My sibling warned him to wear a ventilator. He ignored her.
I did not know what he was doing downstairs, he didn't tell me.
He is going to scream at me when he comes back.
I would never purposely ignore such a thing. My phone was face down and ringer off, everyone was home. I am scared out of my mind of being reprimanded for making an honest mistake in poor timing. And I feel like the worst person alive.
I feel even worse that I fear his response to my mistake more than the fact he is going to the hospital.
What is wrong with me? My concern is misplaced and I cannot move it.
I try so hard to make conversation and ask questions when he seems to be in a good mood. Hell, I just did that earlier in the car, asking about construction materials, what they were made of (he had worked in construction), stuff about the weather, what haze was. Stuff I simply didn't know.
It is all empty small talk.
I am estranged by instinct.
He will always find a reason to be angry.
I am tired.
I'm going to try and see a therapist.
The apathy is freaking me out.
I need help.
I try. I can't say I didn't.
Back when I was applying for college I made a mistake. I had forgotten to apply for FASFA for one of the handful of colleges I applied to.
He screamed at me.
When I stood frozen hiding in the other room he screamed at me for "hiding with my f***ing tail between my legs"
My mother told me that he said he was done with me. That he was done helping me and that he was finished.
She cussed him out saying he "doesn't get to be done"
Despite knowing this. I still try to talk to him.
Small talk.
It is the only thing I can fathom that won't offend him.
The only thing I can think of without retort.
It is bland. And he probably thinks I'm boring and that I have no passions or life of my own. That I have no values or direction in life. I am so much bigger. But that feels so much more risky because being something more than what he has witnessed, before living away from home, before going to college, before having actual healthy relationships with people I choose to be around, just being the person I am now may offend him and it is so bloody suffocating trying to be as careful as possible and still messing up somehow because of poor timing.
He doesn't hug me unless I initiate it.
And lately I'm finding he doesn't say "I love you" unless I say it.
I really feel anything when I say it, I just say because it's what kids are supposed to do before going up to bed right?
I wish I was braver like my younger sister. When dad raises his voice for something small like accidentally shutting her computer a little too hard, she'll call him out. When he denies that he yelling (while raising his voice louder) and tells her to go cool off, she scolds him and tells him he's acting like a child.
I haven't witnessed it but apparently it shuts him up.
She and mom both shut him up and call him out.
But I freeze up if someone raises their voice at me. My brain shuts off. I cry because I am scared. I cry because I think and feel I can't do anything right. I cry because I know this will happen again.
And god knows there's a chance I'll get scolded for crying because dad said "it's not fair to the people around you" when I had such bad test anxiety I couldn't stop tearing up in class because I knew my parents would be notified if I got anything below 80%
I never really stopped, my test anxiety did lessen, but I just try to be quiet and unnoticed on the occasions I do cry.
Even though I wasn't expected to be perfect. At the time, It felt like the only consistent way I was getting praised. So at the time, anything less than perfection came across as I will be loved less and scolded.
It was such a transactional mindset looking back on it.
Perhaps that's why it was so easy for me to be manipulated by bad people.
They would praise me and compliment me.
And then rather than good grades, the price for their sweetness was something more disgusting and bitter.
but if I didn't feel comfortable, they would make threats. Threats to me, threats to hurt others, etc.
Being a child I didn't know any better. I was lonely and desperate and tired.
And scared. Oh I was scared out of my mind and I didn't want anyone to get hurt.
And so the vicious cycle continued, and repeated again and again and again.
And I didn't see anything wrong with it because I didn't know it wasn't know any better. I thought I was doing the right thing by doing as they asked so people didn't get hurt. I thought if someone did something nice for me I must owe them something.
My childhood as a young girl was spent in fear and servitude to horrible old men.
When I became an adult, I didn't want to be a girl anymore partially because of this.
Dad came home, he didn't notice me even through he passed me a few times as I sat in the room near the kitchen.
He didn't yell.
But his irritation was palpable as he held his head in his hands sighing irritably.
"How did the X-ray go?"
"Fine."
That puts a pin in asking any more questions about the hospital trip.
"Do you need anything?"
"No."
He seemed annoyed by me saying anything at all.
And there is nothing he wants me to do.
"Sorry, I'll leave you alone now."
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