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I posted a video last week that got a lot of views and it's kind of torturing me mentally for no reason. All of the comments are nice, there's an overall positive response, and some of the comments made me really happy. But there's something within me that hates it, I can tell because I feel something vaguely rotten inside. whenever I start to get like this I compulsively pluck at my eyebrow. I'm pretty sure it's obsession. It's not the first time this has happened, in fact, this pretty much happens every time I post a video. I just feel like after it hits a certain amount of views, everything is out of my control.
I feel like I should be happy or proud that something I made is enjoyed and that my voice and opinions are being shared. But because I'm obsessed with hating myself, I struggle thinking about how many people heard the voice I've spent my whole life hating, my flat affect which I try too hard to mask, and just generally hearing my thoughts which have been my own for so long. It all feels wrong. I know I need to get over myself, and I have in many regards, but I think this probably has something to do with my loneliness. Not my real life loneliness, but my internet loneliness. I feel like two different people online and in reality. My real self is thriving, tomorrow my friend and I will spend all day in the city, the next day I'll be on a plane to relocate for my job, then my family will visit me soon after. But my online self is stuck worrying about things that don't matter at all, and it's poisoning my mind and all of my thoughts and I can't stand it. I don't know what is wrong with me.
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JuanPapo
i understand how you feel, and trust me you shouldn't give in to those thoughts.
if you made something that either you or other people like, then you should be happy about it, small things like that can and will help you push through the day, or give you more confidence if we go that way.
VamprClots
People will give you an easy solution: Get off the internet , but I think you need to learn to be okay with and love yourself . Maybe the feelings you get are from not being able to control the amount of people that can see perceive you through your videos . Just a thought :3 xoxo
K41
delete it probably, or just not go online for a bit idk.
people have always said that to me when i have a problem with something online but i feel like running away because of my irrational feelings just gives them actual validity.
by sled; ; Report
find a hobby outside of the internet for a bit, appreciate life outside ig. idk
by K41; ; Report
the problem is that most of the things i enjoy are already outside of the internet, which is why i am afraid of “having a platform” or whatever
by sled; ; Report
oohhh, yeah that makes sense then.
by K41; ; Report
ezlyn☆
at least with me, if i receive praise, especially large amounts of it, i can feel sick. if your video was unanimously good, and you struggle with self-hatred, then there's a good chance it could be a mix of "i dont deserve this" and "who am i, thinking i could be loved?" not saying its healthy or feels good, but just a potential explanation!! i get where you're coming from, sometimes it just feels bad to feel good, ykwim?
yeah, that makes sense. i'm not super active on social medias either so i don't really have any sort of platform. i guess getting that much attention at once would be scary for most people
by sled; ; Report
it can be scary or too exciting to handle!! theres a million things it could be, but i hope one day youll learn that the work you create does deserve the praise you are given <3
by ezlyn☆; ; Report
aww you're too sweet, thank you. i will always keep creating as long as i am capable of it, and i may even come around to sharing the things i make someday
by sled; ; Report
NeverNcolor_13
link the video! welcome to the human experience you will never be satisfied until you rid yourself of your passions. But at that point you're worth nothing beyond the heart the pumps blood into every inch of your body!
ahaha my passions are what satisfy me, it's the sharing with others that is the torturous bit.
by sled; ; Report
then dont share it with them! are u making art for yourself or for the validation ?!?!!?!? duhh
by NeverNcolor_13; ; Report
well i think it's because most of my art i make for myself...so sharing it is new to me, and to get a lot of views at once is daunting. this particular video was for tips and ironically in the video i say that exact thing basically x,D "don't chase other's enjoyment of your art-"
by sled; ; Report
why do you feel the need to share it?
by NeverNcolor_13; ; Report
when i want to make things i make them, and i happened to want to make a video giving advice on a niche topic that i have been involved with for a long, long time. i guess i would feel stupid making an advice video and not sharing it, because then it forever lacks part of its purpose
by sled; ; Report