6/18/2024- blog 8 This House is a Chronic Ailment, I Cannot Manage it Some Days

Morning entry: 

I saw strange lights at 1:40am, they could've been my sister's phone but it's usually turned off or face down. it looked like a flashlight shining through the window, maybe I'm being paranoid.

I woke up at a reasonable time. I noticed the head of my shaving razor was missing. I thought it broke of at the bottom of the bag but no it was just missing entirely. I hope to find it. replacements are expensive... my mother will likely be okay with providing replacement since everyone in the house has the same brand. But I can't help but feel a sense of guilt even when asking for necessities. I once had a 300$ medical bill that my school charged unfairly. I ended up paying it myself because I panicked. The school threatened to unenroll me if I didn't.

I was very sick and could hardly move without coughing so violently I would vomit. I got tested for covid and strep and both ended up negative so they overcharged and sent me home without a diagnosis or relief. It went on for weeks and I forced myself to go out to get medicine. But I got sick at the bus stop, a lady checked in on me and I told her to keep distance and apologized for being so gross, but she gave me a water bottle and told me to clean my face and drink. I walked to the pharmacy instead because I ruined my mask and I didn't want to risk getting sick on the bus.

I kept that disposable water bottle for the rest of the year. It meant a lot someone was still kind to me even though I must've looked like a sick drunkard.

_______________________________________________________________________________

Afternoon entry: (lot of food talk towards the end of the section if that bothers you)

I need to stop eating oatmeal for every breakfast and hummus for every lunch. My wife will have my head for that.

I've been feeling much better and I have a lot more to think and write about having been outside more.

I had a long conversation of the history and culture of manga industry and the emergence of more mature and serious genres to promote literacy, so the genre grows with the readers rather there being a stark contrast between children's magazine cartoons and novels without pictures. There is an increase of words and realism as the target age group is raised.

 I think thats a smart way to go about it since children in America now have some of the lowest grades and literacy rates than ever before.

some 17-18 (around tenth grade) year olds are unable to read material made for 9-10 year olds (around 2nd grade).

This may be because of the "No Child Left Behind Act" that prevented children being held back for poor grades.

 Before if you preformed poorly, you would have to repeat that year as the others moved up to the next grade. Humans naturally have a fear of missing out or being left behind, in addition to the social fear factor of being isolated from your friends or being made fun of for being held back. The fear alone was motivating enough for people to do well enough to pass at least.

but now no one cares and no one attends because there is no longer fear or necessity to do so.

Its very worrisome, I hope I don't have a doctor younger than me-

The grading standards have even been changed making it easier to pass than ever.

Not to sound old but since when did 70% no longer mean at risk for failing? It feels like it invalidates all the anxiety and hours I spent staying up rewriting the same essay over and over just to get it perfect.

I ended up eating hummus again, I have a problem. But I mixed a bowl of leftover crackers and chips and a separate bowl of sliced veggies to keep me stimulated. Here are my reviews of hummus pairings lol.

Chips and crackers:

-Corn chips: light and crispy, don't break as much, not too filling

-BBQ potato chip: absolute dog**** for dipping, delicious on their own but break and crumble into the hummus. 

-Cheezits: salty and tasty and and don't break easily, just a little too small

Veggies:

Carrots: good but I get tired of them and they make my mouth dry

Celery: too watery-

Radishes: I will eat a whole garden of them with hummus and it would not be enough. Radishes are really tasty with pepperjack cheddar

I think I will stay inside now, it is getting to hot. I want to read comics.

_______________________________________________________________________________

Evening Entry:

My headphones ran out of battery so I decided to watch TV in the living room.
I'm watching Blood of Zeus since I finished all of Castlevania and Castlevania Nocturne.

It was hard transitioning to Nocturne because there was a big timeskip and an entire new cast of characters.

I just didn't feel the same attachment. Maybe next season.

Dad was nice and set up the fan for me, but when he asked what I was watching I started explaining and he started walking away and doing other things.

He scolds when I do it by accident. It hurts more when he's hypocrite to his own words.

I am expected to be an adult but not treated with the same manners and respect I try so hard to give him. It's tiring.

I'm really hungry, I'm overthinking again.

I hear him thrashing in the kitchen. I'm scared.

The tension is palpable. I can feel the frustration of each footstep, whether a door slam is angry or accident. Every movement is suffocating.

I don't get angry often. I hate myself when I do. I don't want anyone to feel like this. I don't want to be like them.