a harsh dream that ive had (6/18-19/2024)

i woke up in a field. it had green grass as if it was sunny but the sky was dark, grim. it makes your gut clench. the feeling in your feet scream at you to run but you cant.
your soul is drawn to where you lie.

"WHAT DO YOU LONG FOR?" a voice from the sky asked, perhaps a god 
"to be born anew" i said back, in a small cowering voice without thought. asking for this made me feel terrible. i dont know why, i hang my head low in shame, i feel the metallic tasted of blood in my mouth. the wind picks up. the hair stands up on the back of my head. i want to throw up. i feel the need to spit. i close my eyes in hope of avoiding this fact.

i open my eyes and i am in the basement of a barn. the air is dusty yet moist. i am tied to the post with strong rope entwined every 4 inches with the spike of barbed wire. i dont know how i got here. its dark. i hear movement up stairs. there are chains and random objects littered on the ground. there is a small window to my right. the sun beams directly onto my neck. my captor is dead. i can barley see their face. its mangled. its dark. i can only see an eye, violently snatched from the skull. the feeling is back again.

"DO NOT RUN, FACE IT"
the same voice from before?
i felt my body violently reject whatever was in my stomach. its on the floor, the smell is abhorent
i can see it now. it looks like everything. i can see it all, or maybe it was becoming all. it took the form of many things. a brick wall, the sun, the moon, a teddy bear, a hateful father, a brown woman with black and green hair, and french horn, a mirror to see myself through. a mirror that reflects something i no longer recognize. 

"i see what you are, syncere. you are a liar. a cheat. your terrible. the life you lived is one that has only caused pain. you are a curse. your entire life you have wanted to be someone else. you are a liar."
"what are you?"
"i am a higher power. i am something that exists to give. to take. i am a machine. i am the bull and its wrangler. i am love and hate. i am the killer and the victim. i am the knife that was used for the murder. i am the judge, jury, and executioner."
"machine? Higher power? who are you to judge me? you cannot know what it means to be truly human. your power beyond something that is feasible. you do not know me."
"who can say a machine has no soul? aren't humans machines too? mechanisims of flesh and blood? your mind i sheltered. you have no use. no one can say anything to make any part of you worthwhile. you may be able to trick them, but you cannot trick the universe."
"i am who i make myself to be. your words dont phase me, demon. i know you are a imitation of what is true." 
"you would not believe god if he walked down for the heavens to kiss your hands and hand-feed you wine. you cannot truly love. the fist was a message from me. all things are false. youll never tell those of the night where you lost hope, the night where you felt the closest you can to eternal bliss through my, the devils substnace. you will never tell them the days where you had to hide the nose bleeds from your mother. you will never tell them the words you said to her. to the people you love. you know that they would hate you. that they wouldnt accept you."
"i know im good"
"so why does everyone take solace in everyone accept for you?"
.
"i know everything. it wasnt without consent. you know deep down you wanted it. thats why you sat there and took it. thats why i know you are terrible. thats how i know that you are without love. i know all. i am everything as everything is me. you deserved the verbal berating. you didnt try after all. no matter how you think. it was not enough. you dont match anyone. you dont fit anywhere. you do not belong. the people you love most pick one you. the people you look up to talk about you behind your back. the talent you think you have pales in all around you. syncere. look at me."
i cant find the strength
"syncere."
my head is heavy. my brain wants to explode out of my skull
"look at me."
the words are more demanding. what ever this thing is grows tired. i writhe and the thorns cut me. the white of my body shows. i dont care. i want to escape. i no longer want to live
"syncere."
i hate my name. it doesnt suit me. none of this does. i hate all of this. i hate myself. i wish i was dead. i never wished i was alive. i hate all of this. i want to go home. i want my mother
"RAISE YOUR HEAD. LOOK ME IN MY EYES"
the words shake my bones. it hurts
i raise my head

It looks like everything. i see a black woman with green hair. i see my mother the day she told me she thought about killing herself because of me. i see my rapist. i see my childhood dog who ran away from my home. i see my best friends. i see death. i see life. i see my notebooks. i see myself. i can see its eyes. it feels like it understands me, as if it is me. i see the truth in its eyes. i see the hate. i see the disgust.

"i am you and you are me. ive spent all of my 'life' understanding you."  

.

"you are not enough" 

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Transcript end

this isnt the first time ive dreamt of something like this. i dont know how to feel