The anniversary is near..

6/25/2022 11:14am

It'll be two years this month since he left this world.

I've been trying to sort through my feelings and deal with the his passing. Death isn't something that most people know how to handle. When a loved one leaves this world, you're left with the remnants of their life and the longing to hold them one more time.

It seeps into my soul, we can't ignore this feeling. Pain demands to be felt.

My Dad meant the world to me. We had our issues, which happens with any relationship, but I tried my hardest to be there for him. It fucks me up that I didn't have the money to travel up sooner to be with him.

Cancer of any kind is horrible. But it didn't help that he was a three pack a day smoker and his vice was whiskey when the ptsd and trauma reared it's ugly head. He was blind, deaf and mute. My Dad deserved better than he was given.

I miss him so much.

I'm trying so hard not to break down and give into old habits. Since going on my meds, I've all but given up liquor. I don't drink anything aside from the occasional cider or wine, but even then it never feels right anymore.

The memories I have of him are in pieces due to the trauma I had to my brain. ( Car accident as a child ) I don't even have a picture of us hugging. I barely have any pictures of him. Only two videos of him laughing and enjoying company. He was never one to really enjoy being photographed.

Dad and I didn't really get much time together ( mom is a narcissist that kept me from him for years, moved around a lot so he couldn't track us down. Didn't even have her phone number. ) and I envy those that were fortunate to have their Dads still alive and with them.

This month is becoming a lot to deal with. But I'm trying...

I'm crying a little, which is healing, but it hurts. My heart aches.