6/17/2024- blog 7 Caffeinated Pining- Empty Calories, Empty Devotion

Morning entry: [TW: Talk of depression]

The house is empty so I'm blogging in the kitchen today. I really like having the house to myself here. It's going to be hot today so I might not go outside so I'm trying to figure out other things to do. I was outside all day yesterday, so maybe its okay that I don't go out. Dad texted me to get the fan from my brother's room. He said that on the day when its supposed to be 98 degrees me and my sibling might have to sleep in my brother's room and he'll sleep in their room. We can't have ac in my room because it blows the fuse... but it's uncomfortable to have the door open. I already have to share a room with another- I think its perfectly rational to not want to share your minimal privacy with the rest of the house.

I don't know what I want to eat but it's already nearly noon. I don't like eating for the sake of eating but I really shouldn't have black coffee on an empty stomach.

I really like the bitter taste though.

But I used to be really addicted too. Back in High School I had a long distance partner who was hospitalized and I would drink a bunch of coffee and green tea to stay awake as long as possible in case they messaged so I'd know they were okay. 

He would message everyday but as messages got scarcer and spaced out my problem got worse. But since I was so hopped up on all the energy I made a lot of art during that time so he would have something pretty to come back to and that he wouldn't be sad by me just studying or sulking all day. It was feverish dedication and empty worship if anything.

He had made me so happy when I was so lonely in quarantine. As he became unwell I thought it was only fair I stay with him and offer whatever I could. But eventually it became so infrequent and I was so caffeinated and sleep deprived and depressed I really started becoming unwell myself.

I didn't want to move much or sleep or eat or keep clean. I was horribly overstimulated and I never went outside. All the caffeine made me overstimulated to the point I painted canvases black and put them in front of my windows to block out the sunlight as much as possible. Even the smallest amount of light or heat would cause me heat flashes that I couldn't do anything about. 

I could have the AC on, windows closed, no light, and I would feel like I was going to be sick.

I had too much coffee too fast one time. And I laid in bed. My heart rate skyrocketed but I felt very slow-minded and dizzy, I struggled to breathe. I was scared, I. thought I was going to have a heart attack if I moved or stop breathing if I fell asleep so I tried my hardest to lie still and stay awake.

I felt like a coward. I didn't cry for help or tell anyone. I was more scared of being reprimanded and being burdensome by going to the hospital than potentially not making it through the night.

I felt so pathetic. I was pathetic just laying there and accepting whatever was going to happen.

I eventually passed out and fell asleep without realizing. But I woke up and my heart rate was normal and I didn't have breathing trouble.

I don't really think much of divine intervention, and something like this was beyond any logical reasoning for me

But if I was still alive after that then there must've been some things I still needed to do.

I eventually broke up with my partner. I told him I could be his friend but staying his partner was really hurting me intentional or not. He took it well, eventually we fell out of contact, but I feel more at peace even with a lack of closure.

He wouldn't want me to be miserable. 

Three years ago, when we were still together at 1:49 AM he left this message

"Promise me one thing"

"You will travel, you will know the world. Paint and build new worlds with your feelings, love again, fall in love again. I'll be taking care of you wherever you are."

"please."

After all these years I have done these things. 

I'm much healthier now and I am happy with my partner I met in college. I still draw but not as feverishly. I plan to visit my old roommate in Thailand and to visit Japan to meet my partner's extended family. And I have done my best to make friends regardless of timezones and language barriers.

I still struggle to make friends sometimes. But looking back I'm doing a lot better than I was.

I think he lived despite the lack of closure and the radio silence. I would like to reach out again. Our relationship didn't work out. But I want to be his friend still. I am scared however that he will think back on me unfondly.

Even though I am healthier, I cannot seem to escape being a coward at times.

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Afternoon entry:

I thought the house was empty and I had my headphones on. I was making lunch and sat down in the kitchen to check Spacehey while it finished heating up and then my sibling came running at me from the living room and I screamed louder than I'd like to admit. I nearly fell out of my chair.

They usually still at school at this time so I wasn't expecting anyone to be here.

I think they took off ten years of my life from how bad they scared me.

I'm sitting outside on the front patio and writing, maybe if I sit outside when my dad comes back he won't be bothered by me as much. The patio furniture is kind of dirty though. There's flies from lack of use and the wood is dull and dusty.

I asked my dad if he could teach me to use the power washer so I can clean it a little. I doubt he will but it's worth asking I guess.

I wish people would teach me how to do things when I ask them, even if its not right away. Google does not provide clear instructions sometimes and I want to connect with people and learn new skills from them and have those kinds of experiences. I don't think it's unreasonable to prefer learning from a person.

Around 3:40 a stranger's car slowed down in front of my house for a moment while working from the front porch... that made me uncomfortable...

Long white car, some kind of minivan. I think an older man was driving. He slowed down, stopped in front of the house for a few seconds and drove off. Its a busy road since so it doesn't make sense to just slow down there.

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Evening entry:

My trucker friend gave me a call, it was nice to talk to someone. 

Though I have a sense my dad or his girlfriend were eaves dropping. I didn't say anything crass but they seem to never respect me and my sibling's privacy. Likely because we are more comfortable with talking to other people than them. There are many reasons why.

Then I started talking to one of my new friends. I was worried I came off too eager since they joined the other day, but I was excited once I saw they were around my age. He is very nice.

I tend to get too excited when seeing people my age here.