6/17/20XX - last week of term 2 now.

its been a bit since a diary entry, hasnt it? 

this term has sucked. i dont know how i survived this, but i did i guess.  now, i have to get thru two more terms. but i guess i should summarise this whole term. for diary sake?

anyway, hells week happened during these holidays. and i think its been over two months since. i think school started like, immediately after it ended lol. once i got all my tech back, including my "school" laptop im on now my mum didnt want me doing school in my room anymore. i guess cuz one time, my dad walked in on me watching jerma's dollhouse stream during a lesson and not even bothering to close it XD, idk last term i actually think i stopped caring about a lot of things....

but anyway now she wants me to not be in my room bc im not gonna be focused on my school work. which i get the idea but its kinda stupid when i have pockets and can bring my phone anywhere and youtube like, exists. so i quickly got back into the routine of just turning the sound off on the class call and just watching jerma or scrolling tumblr. i did get into newgrounds this term! the whole website is pretty awesome. ahh.... i love non-corporate nerdy websites... 

oh yeah, school. i probably should talk about that slightly more. so last term i was determined to go to every meetup that was happening. but this term i literally just went to the first meet up and went "yup. ive given up on this school." becuase god damn was that place boring. it was a militray base, which sounds cool but since im australian and war wise weve done nothing it was exetremely fuckin boringg.. and no one bothered interacting with me or tried making friends with me. so i was done. ive given up. the only good thing about that trip was how it was a windy day and the ocean was near us.  so yea, most of my school day involves being online, having anxiety attacks, being a anxious depressed slump all day or sleeping. my anxiety has gotten a bit better? sometimes its way easier to handle, and sometimes itll cling to my head like it did yesterday. but it is better than last term! if something slightly bad happened that provoked my chronophobia or anticipatory anxiety it would send my brain into a nucular warzone for a week. and then get provoked agian, and i would have to experince it over and over. i would (and still have to, in a way) do mental gymnastics to tell myself that what im worrying over isnt a huge deal. 

nowadays, sundays/mondays are the worst for my anxiety. i guess i just feel particularly lonley on these days. maybe cuz i have too much time to myself. but chronophobias only something thats gotten worse. somedays its better than others, but its never calmed down. last year i got over it three months into the year. but this year, its been six. and when it changes to next year, it makes me worried of how ill feel. if i get serverely uncomfortable at my worst this year then maybe next year ill start having anxiety breakdowns from how scared i am. i just hope that if it gets worse, ill at least have friends and safe people to turn to agian. 

I think this year is also going to be one of the worst years of my life agian, like last year. ugh, i just wish my anxiety wasnt so bad. but hopefully, by term 4 it'll be allll gone. hopefully, im not betting on anything though. 

alright, enough of the sappy shit. lets get to the more fun stuff i got into this term! so as well as newgrounds, ive actually really been liking fnf as of late! like fr. i like the 17 bucks stuff on yt, and i like a lotta mods that lean back into that edgy newgrounds humour. and i like mods that have a more street rap style, like the og was tryna go for. i think in terms of that they're really refining it! i love darnells parts in weekend. but i do like fanmods and i can fuck with some more dumb edge every now and agian. deltafunk is GREAT, and silly billy is edgy af but the animation and song is peak. but the BEST mod out atm is funkadelix, which i woke up 4 hours after it released and got up and played thru. it is SO FUCKIN GOOD!!!! pls play it!!!   

another thing ive been using to cope is frutiger aero. something about it avoids all fear of time, its like it exists in between time. the present, past and future. its nostalgic futurism, and it calms me down a lot. and serial experiments lain kinda fits into that non-existent time stuff. 

oh yea! ive also started playing tf2. im not very good at fps games, and honestly find them intimidating. but i played 2fort yesterday and even tho idk what im doing its pretty fun! i LOVE pyro and scout. i also found out reacently that pyros kinda non-binary? like its never really explicatly said hes a male and we dunno what they look like. so, is it like a mangle/funtime foxy situation where hes constantly referred to by he/she? i dont really know the story of the characters! ive just watched their meet the character animations :T but yea i like scout cuz JERMA and also hes just super fun and funny XP. if u guys could reccomend some more servers for me to join that would be cool, just make sure its alright for newbies like me cuz i joined uncletopia and got obliterated so.... 

alright, thats it for now. see ya later >_o