self hatred

do you ever just have such an extreme hate and disgust towards yourself? holy shit, i do.

its like no matter what anyone tells me i will always be such an ugly looking monster. like i feel like everyone just lies to me at this point because nobody can view me beautifully. i was just starting to look a little good, I was getting skinny, cheekbones were showing, my hair was so long. then i was diagnosed with cancer and i was basically robbed of everything i kind of liked about myself. so now, i have never hated the way i look more than ever before. i see boys with such long hair and i look at myself and i just have stupid fucking short hair. i hate it so much. i want to be beautiful, i wanna be beautiful so bad. so so bad. i might as well cut my face off with how ugly i am.