6/13/2024 -blog 3 I Forget to Eat and Become an Edgy Bastard

Afternoon entry:

I did not sleep till six am and I fell asleep till eleven, I feel guilty for wasting half the day but I am at my mother's so she doesn't reprimand me for it. She is quite lazy herself at times but she is still productive. We have a similar work style, and my father tends to always criticize me somehow even if I have been productive, I understand very well why she divorced him, but it doesn't seem fair I have to tolerate living with him still. My father always talks through my mother, seemingly refusing to converse with me directly about anything. My relationship with my father is a series of status reports. Nothing more. I don't know him at all. He seems to only care about my productivity and success and little about me as an individual. If I am successful, he has something to boast about. But there I am little more than an accessory to feed into his ego. And if I don't feed it then I'm a failure. There I am not an individual.

Literally. He doesn't ever refer to us by name when introducing us. Just as his son's (my half-brother) siblings. I don't understand why he would have a third child at his age when he hardly has a relationship with his first two. 

I will always be less loved by him than something newer and illegitimate, I no longer have the innocence and fresh potential, I am tired. and I am hungry. I am angry. 

I want to bite something, I want to laugh like a madman in his face when he throws a tantrum at me, I want to do something rather than stand frozen in sheer f*cking terror. 

I love him. I hate that. I want his validation and praise. I feel pathetic. I want guidance and instruction. I will not get that from him no matter how many times I ask.

Did your parents ever teach you how to clean your room? Sit you down and show you step by step? An alarming amount of people aren't. I did a survey. 76 out of 96 people (79%) never were taught how to properly clean and were often scolded or even threatened or beaten for not performing to their standards. Do adults forget it's out first time being alive? It sickens me.

I apologize for today's blog being a little scattered. I am not in a good head space today.

I really hate myself when I get angry. I don't want to be like him at all.

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Evening entry:

I have eaten and I am no longer mentally ill. Not really, but less angsty definitely.