6/12/2024- blog 2 I Wish I had my own Space but at Least I Can Play Skyrim

Afternoon entry:

I accidentally slept till noon, but the house is empty so that's a nice treat for me, I don't have to worry about anyone saying anything and I can move around the house comfortably, and I can shower as long as I please without anyone banging on the door, so I took some extra time to freshen up and I feel a lot better, still debating whether to get a haircut, it's nearly shoulder length by now, my dentist and few others have said it looks nice without prompting, so I've been reluctant. Frankly I don't know what cut I would even get, I usually get that standard k-pop boy cut because it grows out nice. the only think that's really irritating me currently is that it takes long to dry and I don't really have that kind of time when I'm at college.

I still need to finish registering for classes. I'll likely be able to graduate early since I took so many credits, but that would mean leaving a lot of important people behind as well, and frankly I'm not ready to give that up so quickly. I was content with being home because it was all I knew. but having gotten to live away and with people I choose allowed a lot of flexibility and offered a lot of room to grow, but going back home feels suffocating because I can't be the same person at home and its shoving all that growth in to small of a space, on top of that I have no privacy or space solely to myself, I used to but after the step family moved in I got shoved in with my younger sibling and the only other option would be the space by the garage where people are regularly moving in and out of and the closet there is used up by everyone else's stuff. 

I was supposed to get my own room at dad's when we moved seven years ago. He ended up lying to me and shoving me with my sister too because he said they needed an office. But there is so much wasted space. the desks in the office hardly take up a 4th of the room and the rest is empty, he could've used any of the three living rooms for that- who the hell needs three living rooms?- The most amount of privacy me and my sibling get is by opening the closet door all the way, it's really not enough.

I really don't feel like a real person when I'm home, I've started to feel like if that's the case maybe its not really home for me anymore. I move back and forth with my sibling because I'm the only emotional support she has and she doesn't communicate with our parents well, so they prefer I stay when I can. I feel like I'm just floating around and avoiding conflict in the house, I don't think that's living. I have outgrown this life, I realize it is no longer entirely healthy for me, but I'm kind of stuck here.

I'm feeling really lightheaded and it's now 2pm. I probably should eat... I really don't feel like it though. There isn't much. Maybe oatmeal again.

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Evening entry:

Me and my sibling are back at our mother's house for awhile, dad seemed to be in a good mood and didn't ask many questions. I feel when he isn't he tries to find things to complain about to vent his frustration. But he's too inconsistent about it. Anything could set him off really. So I make myself as small as possible, if I'm out of sight then surely I can't be put to blame for much.

I might play a little Skyrim later after filling out some forms for the oral surgeon. I don't play it modded since I don't have a computer for that kind of thing, I didn't get a birthday present this year because  I had wanted to get a computer and needed more time to figure out which kind I wanted, but theres too many options its a little overwhelming. I'd like to try that Baldur's gate game and try and mod Skyrim a little, I want to play Castlevania too. I don't know if I should get a gaming laptop or try to build a PC tower thing. I'm not very good with technology, I spent maybe an hour trying to convert my resume to a PDF format for an application.

Last time I played Skyrim my mom asked how it was and what level it was. She hardly cares for games, but I appreciate her showing attention to my interests. We've always had a bit of miscommunication about things I like. She has a very strong and blunt first reaction and sometimes it's jarring and makes me feel bad or awkward about something that I initially liked or felt passionate about, and I couldn't shake that first reaction from someone so close to me so I would kind of just stop doing it altogether which is disheartening. She comes around when I explain it a little more but the first reaction sticks. I tried getting into cosplay once when I was younger and to my dismay my mother said "You're not doing a p**n thing right?" which hit like a brick to the face. 

Now that she understands that it wasn't what it looked like I might give cosplay a try again.