the head of john the baptist

 incredibly exhausted early-ish in the morning. i do not typically like espousing so many thoughts nor firing off many synapses before 2pm. i'm thinking about how much i wish i was more capable of understanding what i need to do for myself. i have basic steps but no understanding of what to do next, and when i do have an understanding of what to do, i end up being roadblocked for sometimes weeks by healthcare professionals. i don't know what to do during the day. or ever, with myself. 

 yesterday i watched ken russell's "salome's last dance" [1988] which is now probably a favourite depiction of boise/oscar wilde seeing as how some people would rather make a saint of oscar in this situation which is odd. i also then watched rainer werner fassbinder's "fox & his friends" [1975], a class romance which was still somehow entirely charming, even up until the bitter end. as the kids steal from fox, and pass from behind the subway pillar, when they come out, they come out as the means to an end proletariat. both of the flicks will stay with me for a very, very long time. 

 maybe i'll just continue to watch movies today. 

 i ultimately want to have more things in my brain.