100-0

i think the reason it was so jarring wasn’t because i was already experiencing loss, but because it was everything and became nothing within a matter of seconds. 

the amount of devotion was something i wasn’t ready for. i think i tried explaining that already, i hope so. i think that would have come in with the whole “i can’t do a relationship right now” thing. had i realized it was too intense too soon, i would have said something. 

you listened to every single thing i said, even the dumb little cravings i had that i would forget about the moment i said them. that’s why it was so intense. we went from a worship-like devotion to strangers. 

i am sorry that i wasn’t able to give you what you wanted, the same level of devotion you were giving me. i hope you were able to understand that i wasn’t at that level yet, and had actually never even been treated in that way before. it was scary to me. overwhelming. it felt good, but at the same time, suffocated me with everything else going on. maybe that’s the reason i sabotaged myself.

i wouldn’t be thinking about this right now, but i saw you lately on our tattoo artist’s reels. really triggered something and now i’m word-vomiting on a blog you know i have and hopefully don’t check. i guess i do post publicly. is that a cry for help too? or a way to excuse myself? not sure.