I wish I had a love like the movies.

No, I don't mean the super unrealistic stuff yk? But just... the cute stuff. Cute dates, getting love letters- told romantic things like how loved I am. It's weird, because almost all of my life I never really felt loved by friends or family. And when I did feel it, it was temporary, and inconsistent. I went through relationships where I had constantly been stepped on and left for friends- and their friends were always the priority over me. While I was left to cry because I just wanted to spend time with my lover. 

Then when I wasn't looking for love, you came into my life.

In the beginning, it was magical. I felt loved, I felt safe. I felt... different? A feeling I didn't know I could ever have. I finally thought: "is it my turn?" To be loved, cherished, adored like how I had seen for others? or even for the people those past lovers left me for?

I thought so.

But one day, you stopped...? Loyal to me but- no more compliments about me, no more sounding excited for me or telling me you missed me. Telling me you wanted to have fun with your friends and snapping a bit at me frustrated because I didn't want you to spend the night at a party where your ex is present. 

You don't tell me work stories and instead tell your friends and I just happen to hear because I'm in the room. I learn about these people and the nicknames you have for them but I never hear it first?

You sound so happy and excited with your friends. But not with me and I don't understand why. You make plans with them and for them, saying things you want to do- but say you hate having a planned commitment with me because "what if my friends get on and I wanna drink or something". You don't plan or make a plan for me because you "hate planning". And even though I asked you prior if you would ever plan dates and you said you would. 

No matter how many times I tried to communicate what I needed. What would help me feel loved, it would turn on me and I would feel like a fool. "I don't ask you where my hug is at."

The worst part is I don't hate you. I don't get mad at you. I wish I could. You hurt me so many times. Your words and actions stabbing me like daggers but I can't bear to leave you because I love you so much. And I keep hoping that you'll change but it's been months and nothing.

I used to feel safe with you. But now I feel like if I try to communicate, you'll turn it on me and just say whatever to get the conversation done and over with. You've told me before that me crying or talking about something that makes me sad or bothers me is a mood killer. All I wanted was for you to listen to me. To understand me... and it hurts even more to know that if I was going to walk away because of this pain that you would just let me go.

I try so hard to get a compliment from you too. It makes me feel so embarrassed when I actually get nothing. I send you pictures trying to look my best for you and you don't say anything. It hurts. It hurts because you used to stare at me and call me beautiful.

No, you're not all bad. Physically, you hug me, kiss my forehead. That's your love language. What makes you happy and I do whatever I can to make it easier despite our distance. We see each other at least once or twice a month. I cherish those moments every time. 

But when we aren't physically together I never know what to feel or think.

am I that unlovable? I thought when you loved someone so much and so truly that you would want to do those things. Plan dates, let them cry on your shoulder- listen to them, understand them... or at least try to. To know that they aren't trying to argue just trying to tell you how they feel. I just... I don't understand. I thought it was finally my turn. Things made me so happy and now... and you tell me I'm "stuck in the past". But that past made me feel so loved and special.