6/11/2024 -blog 1 It's Still my First Time Being Alive, Please Teach me How to Do Things

Summary: the parent issues are parent issuing and the loneliness is hitting like a brick to a face but someone told me I'm doing a good job so I don't feel like a disappointment today.

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Afternoon entry:

I called to make a dental consultation (I think that's how its spelt) for the first time. My wisdom teeth have started to really hurt me, they were fine for awhile but as of late they've been awful...my parents told me to make an appointment- but didn't actually give me any of the information I needed, they just kept telling me to do it so my dad would flip on me, not that would keep him from flipping out, he always finds something to be angry about. But the lady was really nice and understanding and said I was handling it well and doing a good job for basically being given no guidance or instructions whatsoever.

I'm often told to do things, but never sat down and taught how to actually do them, and when I try to do the these I'm often reprimanded for not doing it right. I don't feel like that makes much sense and it makes me anxious to try anything at all if there's a high chance I'll mess up first try. Or if I try to take the time to learn so I do it right I get patronized or reprimanded for taking too long. It's very demotivating and makes me not want to do anything at all if I'm just going to get insulted regardless of what I do. I'm still going to do things and be productive, but less commentary would make me feel a lot less pathetic and more self motivated.

I wish I was told I was doing a good job more often, it feels stupid for wanting that kind of thing but it really would be nice.

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Evening entry:

Dinner was awkward, I don't want to talk to anyone because they will find a way to insult me. I end up overthinking a lot and just stare blankly at the table, I have trouble appearing natural sometimes and people ask me if I'm scared. I've always had trouble with expressions.

Dinner was just egg and microwave sausage, I can eat it mixed together but each on its own is just burdensome. I often don't eat when I'm at my father's place. We usually have very bland options or heavily processed stuff, I get lightheaded but I just don't have the appetite for eating whats available, which sounds picky but if I force myself to eat without an appetite I'll get sick. but today I managed to eat two meals. I made apple cinnamon oatmeal, but I added an extra apple and cinnamon to the packets, its kind of the only thing I feel interested in eating other than cereal, but should at least try to eat something more filling if I'm going to be eating so infrequently. I should figure out how much sugar to add if I have to make it from scratch.

My sibling started crying to me, finals week has been hard. they cry to me instead of dad because he's more aggressive towards her breakdowns, I don't mind listening, I'm all they have other than her therapist because their friends don't really listen to them, I just wish they had more people to support and listen to her when I'm away at college. It's not that I don't care about her, but I know that's unhealthy both ways to put all your emotional burden on single person. Therapy is only good for so many things and they're not available to talk to all the time. 

I don't really trust therapists. They often violated my trust and told my parents things I didn't want them to or express myself in ways I didn't want to. I would often leave in a worse state than going in, I'm sure I would do better with a therapist now that I can communicate better and my privacy is more secure as an adult, but sometimes I can't get over that foul taste left- which is probably exactly why I should go-

I joined a discord for people in my area, I hope I can make some more friends I can actually hang out with, I hope even harder I don't run into trouble, but I think its time to take a comfortable amount of risk otherwise I might just bedrot forever- quite literally, I've been using a big plastic container at the foot of my bed as a desk since the only furniture I have is a bed and file cabinet, dad won't let me pick out a dresser, I keep asking because we need the storage space and he keeps saying he's going to order some but its been five years now. The room gets messy simply because we have no place for our belongings.