lately i've been trying my luck too much. iv fallen exactly into the trap of relying on my luck as a crutch and eventually, naturally, you run out. iv been exhausted the past few weeks, basically unable to salvage a moment alone that feels purifying or inflicts wellness in me. just turnstyled, junkpiled, and plain rotten.
a close friend, an accomplice, really got his appendix removed yet lives in an unstable household with alottuv unpredictable violence and little room. it just did not feel right allowing him to go back there and not given the time to heal properly so i let him stay over. stays about a week. it turns out i can only handle the contrarian know-it-all in small doses and ended up hiding around corners, pretending to be asleep, things like that -- just sneaking around my own house bcoz i didnt want to be trauma dumped on immediately. in the end, we were fine, and our friendship will last bcoz it can withstand basically everything. we saw and met jad fair together ...
i don't say this to sound dramatic, but i sincerely don't have many friends. or at least not friends who i feel i can trust to share with; everyone is in one ear and out the other. it's funny how people only want what the get when they don't have it and how beautiful they look when they're walking out the door. every night i dream about someone i dont "have" anymore, possessive, and wake up with that tricky sensation of longing as if the person was really there. like i could turn over and hold you again; feel the warmth oozing from your body so i can eat you.
but it'll never be real again, and i'm sure somewhere there's a good reason that people like this up and vanished outtuv my life. i am anxious about sleeping despite being exhausted, barely able to keep my eyes open or mind actively. go watch near dark for me.
goodnight from captain harley xoxo
a new song
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