1:01 AM In Solitary

It's 1:02, and I sit alone within the darkness of my home. While sitting here, I start the question a lot of things. My existence, love, the realization of pain, and loneliness are the things I question, I really don't know why but I start too. I'm not really an talker of my problems and mental health because I personally believe a lot of people wouldn't understand, and besides some of my problems stem from questions that can't be answered, but I guess I can make an exception at least this time. Lately I've been in this place I call, mental hell. I called it that because to me it's a cold, dark, silent, yet disastrous place for me. There, I'm surrounded by my personal demons, my sins, loneliness, and the scariest thing of all, my mind. I usually go to mental hell when I'm facing problems, pressure, or I'm just simply loss. While there I tend to loathe in the darkness, and accept the pain & loneliness. Lately I've been in mental hell thinking about the shit I mentioned earlier. 

My existence is one of the things I've been thinking about (now before you get to thinking it's not suicide). I question my existence because why me. What makes me more deserving of a life than an dead person or an uncreated fetus. Why my parents create me of all people, not a baby or human, but me. I'm not a religious person but why God create me.

The realization of pain is something that I don't really think about, but it's something I choose to accept. Now I know that sounds depressing and bad, but honestly I've been through so much pain that I've gotten numb to it. From being cheated on multiple times, family issues, physical insecurities, and mental insecurities I've tend to accept the pain, and sometimes I loathe in it. I know it's not good for me, but when you seen so much pain, and experienced it, you tend to just become numb to it and accept it.

Anyways, it's starting to get late so I'll make a part 2 maybe, it really depends if I feel like this again. I think it's best for me to get some rest. But before I go, I want to say this, if you truly love and want someone then go get them before they go. It doesn't matter the circumstances or anything, just go them if you really have that feeling. Anyways, goodbye world💜💜💜💜