life..parents..mental stuff..idk

tw vomit self harm drugs alchohol

I genuinely cant wait to move into my own apartment. I went to my dads to escape my mom, i went to my grandmas to escape them both, and now my mom is at my grandmas house in MY room even though i told both of them i clearly did not want any of them in it while i was gone. 

I dont feel at home anywhere, not at my moms, not at my dads and not at my grandmas. I want to escape them all, my grandma drinks everyday and pesters me with useless stuff and only cares about me playing guitar and not my actual feelings, my dad is never home and when he is hes always just at his computer and ignores me when i try to talk to him i have to walk to him and look down at him to get him to acknowledge me and my mom... yeah. Drugs, mental abuse, hypocrite, everything is my fault and i make her life soo miserable.. i just cant.

I feel like im going insane. I can feel it in my chest and head. I want to scream and rip my vocal chords out, rip my hair out, claw my eyes out, stab myself in my ears, vomit out my organs... this feeling drives me crazy especially because i cant act out on this (obviously.)

self harm doesnt even do anything for me anymore, i get urges and my mind convinces me that it will make it feel better but it doesnt. it doesnt make me feel bad, either but knowing that it doesnt do shit for me makes me feel shitty.

Writing about and drawing my problems is the only thing that helps me out a little.

I made a character, about a year ago. Her name is Maarathon. I can tell her everything, i would record myself on my computer and just make up a scenario and roll with it. I made up a scenario once where i had to draw her, i still have that picture somewhere... I miss her. I also have the 'other me' (coraline referance??) inside my head, but that bitch is so judgy.

I dont like talking about this, but theres something watching me. It never comes so close i can see it clearly, always hiding or waiting behind doors and walls. Sometimes when im out, it stays so far away i can barely make it out but i know its there because i can feel it. I can feel it watching me, and one time i had a very close call with it. I was alone at my grandmas house and it was late and raining (classic.) and i could feel it behind the outside door, trying to get in. I hid in the bathroom until my grandma came back, i was sobbing but i knew i wouldnt be able to explain it to her. Im not schizophrenic or anything, i dont actually SEE it i have to like, make it up in my mind but i do feel it.

i used games to take my mind of things but it doesnt do shit now. Playing them just kind of feels like a chore, i want to sleep the day away so i dont eat or do anything. I dont want to. Dont want dont want at all.

i am sane, but i have my moments i guess. I sometimes feel like i want to smash someones face in, i want to make them bleed. I would never of course, but my hands itch. Im not saying i want to murder anyone before anyone thinks im a murderer lol... i never get any urges or feelings to do that thank God. Id take all this over wanting to murder someone.

I really like murder documentaries and mysteries and all that. But i especially like when the victim survives and when the detectives tell the murderer that, they're shocked because they know they're fucked. I watched a documentary the other day about a girl who killed her grandparents with her boyfriend, it was so sad. Also another girl that killed her loving father that did everything for her with her boyfriend. Whats with teenage girls and killing their loved ones for their boyfriends? i promise you hes not all that..

i said earlier that writing helps me out, and i feel a bit better now i guess.. i still want to scream, but less so.

Pandora - Wisp (6/9/2024)