I miss being Paranoid

It was one of the worst times for me but I can't help but miss it. It's at least proof I was struggling but the anger I feel for not being able to live through hard times like my peers hurts. I want to be stronger and more experienced then them.

It's not a "good" mindset but it keeps me going and keeps me living. I've actually wanted to go to a psyche ward despite me knowing damn full well I will lose it there. It's never enough to feel so comfortable as if my problems just immediately go away/\I don't understand why it is me that has to be so lucky to recover.

I can never have a lasting emotion, nothing can ever last. the longest I have gone is crying every day for over a month but even then that is barely long enough and when I hit rock bottom I get the realization that I may be depressed.

It's not like I really notice it but it feels like I can't keep or control my emotions, that I am shaped into someone I am not. that my personality is flawed if you even call it one because I don't have a real personality. I don't even really exist on the same plane as everyone else.

It could just be my autism talking but I don't see a reason to get better for I know the consequences of healing. If I heal I conform to messed up standards and I lose all my grip on my only "personality." If I heal and move on from my problems I would be worse off. By becoming perfect I am nothing more then a joke, a joke that I was placed to be.

If I heal I lose what made me have specific morals, and I would be the perfect person but I would also just be a figment of someone else - stupid, naïve, dumb - not questioning anything, only repeating the same phrases and stand points without an inch of knowledge.