escapism

i took it too far the other night. i woke up with no recollection of anything that had happened past a certain point in the night. it's almost certainly escapism. for years, i've felt undeserving of love because growing up, i was a second priority over my sister's cancer. that is no one's fault, just poor circumstances.

despite a habit of self-sabotaging relationships out of hatred of myself, i still crave love like nothing else. but "if you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?"  so i guess i need to work on that. i need to affirm that i am worthy of love and being seen with respect.

here's to day two of sobriety.

i'm going to try documenting some writing prompts down here. the one i chose today was from rupi kaur's self love writing prompts. i'm starting with a simple one;

self love means that you respect yourself no matter what situation you are in. love and respect are such vastly different things, yet they go hand in hand. you cannot have love for yourself without respect.

self love isn't taking yourself out every evening and getting drinks or getting your nails done; that's self pampering. there's nothing wrong with that, of course. self love is self care. eating enough, brushing your hair in the morning. being kind to yourself even when you make really dumb decisions at the bar. self love happens when you see yourself as a human worthy of receiving good things and setting healthy boundaries.