No direction in life

I am trying to be productive today but I just don't know what to do. I know I have to study Java but in my head I need to make a perfect list first and print out stuff for my vision board all this bullshit. and today, I feel like the only way I could every stop doom scrolling is deleting my tiktok account. but then if I do that I will just switch to instagram, and if I delete my instagram(which I will never do), I would just switch to facebook and so on... 

I've wasted this entire 3 week break because I just kept on binge watching so many TV shows and movies. I do not know what to do. I do not know anymore on how to break them. 

When I am away from my family in a different town for college, I have better habits especially with my eating habits. I do not gain weight and I even lose a couple of kilos, (not a lot but at least im losing something) but whenever I go back here in my town, I just go back to those old habits and I start to binge and be extremely lazy and gain all the weight again, also I become really sad whenever I am here in my home town I am sick of this cycle. Maybe if I just don't go home for a year. I think it will help. but I just really need to lock in. its the 5th month of the year and I have not made a significant change. 

I just want to change. change change change change change change. I REALLY WANT TO FUCKING CHANGE. 

earlier this year I was motivated because want to be on the level of my aunt and cousin because I sort of want the validation of my aunt. I want to be able to feel like im on their level and that we relate to each other and that is by losing weight and having a sense of style which I currently don't have because I am fat and insecure and I am afraid to try and dress up and if I do I would feel disgusting and awful about myself so I avoid it at all cost. but 5 months later, I am back at my home town, I have met with them and I feel that I still look like the same person. We had a sleep over and I left feeling like a monster, that I do not fit in, I am desperate and trying hard to be relatable, I felt tired of putting up a personality the whole 23 hours I was there. 

and I know that my looks was not the only factor, I also had a pretty bad personality. There were moments when I said something too judgemental and offensive not towards them but to the people we were talking to and I could feel that she was a bit uncomfortable. I was also saying bad words which is also something that I think she didn't like because she was religious. And I sort of realize in the end why she would prefer my cousin. she was tall, skinny, had a sense of style, and a better personality. I hate comparing myself. 

I know that I shouldn't seek for the validation of others but if I do not do that, I won't have that much friends. and I know that I shouldn't want too many friends and seek for friendships that are deep and meaningful but deep inside I do want to feel like a likable person and my standard for that is my ability to make friends and keep friendships. I want friends, I want to be able to do things with friends, I want to be able to talk and have fun with friends, I want to have someone I can ask help with, I want to belong, I want to be able to be in a positive and fun friendships with these people even if it is only on the surface I do not care. I want a connection. and I want to enjoy it very much that I do not have to think about what I have done wrong or if I did something weird and annoying or if I look like a monster throughout the function and the only way that could happen, for me is to build confidence, have self acceptance, and love myself. 

I do try to be positive in times like these but I cant help it sometimes to be negative. In the end I still have so much hope. I can change. I CAN. 

also, I posted 4 things on my instagram story which sort of broke my "STOPPING POSTING" thing for a year but whatever, nobody gives a shit about what I post. But I really do want to disappear for a while. deep inside I want people to look for me. see where I have been but whatever. who cares. im going to try again. I'm just afraid some people might get offended if I don't know their posts or what they have been showing with their posts. Idk