my mum wants me up early this morning

because "im not doing much all day" and wants me to be up two whole ass hours b4 school. i do online school, i dont need 2 go anywhere. i guess my subconscious knew that i needed 2 get up earlier so i woke up at 5. but honestly i was kinda glad i didnt sleep until the time i needed 2 wake up because i would be more pissed if i wanted 2 be asleep 

but its 7:12 now. 10 mins ago my youngest brother woke up, he started crying like he has his entire useless life and my dad grabbed him and basically yell-whispered "SHUT UP!" right near my bedroom door. something like this happens at least twice a month. idk why, but when i heard him say that i kind of imagined my dad as clay from moral orel doing something similar 2 shapey. well, i DO know why i imagined that. 

it makes me wonder. after hells week, after everything between us was permanently broken. and after my mother and father told my i was a liar, that i made a story up in my head, that i lied to everyone and that they had "no idea how our family situation worked", that i ruined a friendship, that i made them look like monsters, that i was doing it for attention... psychologically torturing me by coming into my safety and taking it away, taking away help. they only felt sympathy when i told them that i was guilty and everything was my fault, and i only did it because i wanted the torture to end.

it makes me wonder if when im finally away, and i finally have an audience to share myself to the world with. if i share my story of my family, would they have changed in their ways even if im completely honest about everything that happened. would they feel sympathy, pity and guilt? or would they try and throw every used word from hells week, that i made them look evil or that my audience had "no idea how our family worked". at this point, i dont know. but if the latter were to happen then i wouldnt be so scared anymore, because im not chained to them anymore. if my audience is supportive, this could anger them even more. 

maybe... if that happens... i wouldn't talk to them ever agian. knowing they never changed. 

my dads older brother actually disconnected himself from our family. my grandma had him at 16, his bio dad died. and for his whole childhood my grandparents never told him that only half of his family was actually related to him. he always felt disconnected from his family and never knew why. when he was in his 30s, finally getting married and having kids my grandparents finally told him what happened. he was angry he never got told and especially after a family member died recently and now he knew he wasnt actually related to him. he cut his family off

my dads side of the family hate him. but i feel sympathy.

i wish i knew him.