entry #5, 6/03/2024 2:28PM

hello. i havent needed to use this site since last month, but i think im having another awakening, or whatever. 

this all started the other night, when i was scrolling pinterest for some art inspiration, but i saw a cool non-human looking costume and felt a very strong connection to it. so, i created a new board, and i called it "gender/transition goal" not being entirely serious about it. i continued to scroll and got more images that i wanted to save to that board, people wearing cloaks and masks and other stuff that made them look otherworldly, art of beings that also looked otherworldly, a lot of non-human otherworldly type stuff, that i felt a strong connection with.

i didn't think about it at all until today, when i had a thought. now see, i have a hard time leaving my house and going into public areas like stores and parks, and a crippling fear of talking to other people as well. whenever i have to go into public areas i always try to talk as little as possible and i always try to not look at other people, and i always just chocked it up to me being afraid of being perceived as "weird", or "creepy".

but my thought was, "if i just had a decorated mask that covered my face and looked alien/otherworldly, i feel like i could probably go into public spaces and not be afraid." 

now, i do not have a problem with the way my human face looks, i think i'm attractive and i'm not afraid people will think i'm ugly, i'm afraid people will think i'm weird/creepy. 

if i had a mask that made me look-to an extent-like an otherworldly, non-human being/beast, i would be okay with being perceived as weird/creepy, because i wouldn't be perceived as a person. at least, not entirely so. i think my problem with being in public is being perceived as a person, and if i could eliminate that then i would be okay, but the only way i feel i can do that is if i dont have a human face or a human body. 

those things are impossible to achieve, as i am a human body, but if i had a non-humanlike mask, it would make me feel better. i see it kind of like how trans men that cant afford/dont want top surgery bind their chests with binders; the moobs (man boobs) are still there, but they arent perceived by the public. i would be okay with being weird/creepy as long as my human-ness wasnt perceived by the public, i guess?

i dont know if that makes me otherkin, or some other identifier, but if i wasnt a person i would feel a lot better.