i'm not really happy

i'm not really happy with my life, i had missed chances, like in the choir, i wanted to sing but my parents didn't let me, and i keep spiralling down in depression because i'm a mediocre singer.. you can say that i can do whistle tones, runs and riffs and i can belt, but i feel like its not enough, specially, i couldn't incorporate them in my songs without it being unbearable to hear.. hell even if i sung softly- it sounds dumb..

earlier, i got a 41/50.. and i'm not happy, i'm envious, why won't someone cheer me on if i get a somewhat high grade.. it feels like i have no friends for support.. even if there is, they don't exactly show it, in a way..... for example, when i broke up with this douchebag, they supported me by blocking his ass... thats just it, so i can't exactly feel much about it.. i wish i had friends who are happy seeing me, or devote some of their time to talk to me.. you can say i have a lot of hobbies and interests, i'm funny, i give gifts to people, but still i end up lonely, like noone wants to be my friend.. i end up talking to myself, or with a rock..

i still wait around waiting for my "friend"'s reply, turns out its just seen, so i waited for basically nothing.. sometimes i would just laugh at myself by downing myself (like hey, look at my shortcomings), to make people laugh, but this is degrading.. sometimes i try to stop myself from texting or depending on a friend.. but whenever i do it, i feel lonely, i feel like they're getting tired or bored of me..

sometimes i feel like the most unimportant girl in the world, because noone comes around to see me, or that noone needs me, or devotes their time to talk to me.. did you know my ex boyfriend didn't even put any value on me or on our relationship? i bet he didn't even like or love me to start with.. i put all the effort to keep us together and yet, i had to give up because its obvious i can't fix a relationship on my own.

i don't get the norm of my colleagues, they always seem to see me as coming from another planet, because of how strange i act, or how i am unbound by social norms, they can see me walk around the street in my undergarments and i wouldn't care..... i really don't know their norms either, in their friend groups, they have these norms where maybe in one friend group they would drink beverages, party, and then study, or another friendgroup is obsessed with this specific culture and loves free food.. or their friendgroup is based on their hardships together.... i couldn't fit myself into any of their norms.. so i keep ending up by myself.. and its made worse when a professor presents a fun activity and to group for it... noone wants me to be in their group... this is technically a cycle i'm stuck in..

recently, i was informed that someone suspects me as someone with schizophrenia, i just keep laughing at the idea but that could be true, that means i can never testify on anything since i won't be able to prove anything, or defend myself.. thats a big problem

i feel like failing myself anywhere i go, i kinda just wish a bus would crash unto me..

i wish that someday i'd get to be famous, i just wanted the world to give me some level of importance in their lives, i don't really need the money, or any luxury lifestyle, i just want to feel loved by people.. that was always the goal since childhood (in childhood, i usually felt left out by the other kids)

i hope one day i'd reach atleast a million followers, i'm not asking much.. but i feel like that isn't too achieveable..

i wish a bus would just hit me