everything is worthless.

im sorry for all the sad entry's lately but... i think this is worth writing down.

my mum came in saying that on a phone call with someone saying that i needed to use my school laptop instead of my chromebook for school, and i immediately wanted to cry. let me talk you through my whole thinking process.

i got given a school laptop by the online school im going to. its some sort of weird brand i had never heard of. and i quickly learnt i couldnt use ANYTHING on it. i couldnt download chrome, i had to use fuckin edge and i couldnt go on literally any website to pass time. which sucks, but its not worth crying over. then you hear about why i wanted to start this school in the first place. my old school started this whole journey, and i thought i could at least make a few nerdy friends here. i was kind of excited, you know. because pandemic online learning was fun as hell! and i thought if i could make friends at this place then maybe i could move past all of this. i started this year terrified. not only was i panicking the entirety of new years eve to new years day, i came home for my trust to be breached by my mum agian and after a couple weeks i was becoming so sick of feeling like this. my fear of time was starting to kick in too. so i REALLY thought that this place would be a new starting point. the first day, like straight up the first DAY, i felt like something was really wrong. it felt like i was put back at square one. becuase last year when i wanted a fresh start at my old high school i noticed something was odd too. i felt like nothing was changing. but i desperately tried to ignore it by trying to make friends. when the first day back of term 2 happened and i realised nothing was going to change, i was distraught. i cried and cried and cried. so the fact that this could be happening AGAIN was terrifying. but i tried my hardest to do everything. 

and eventually i stopped trying. after going out to those group outing multiple times, and for not only for nothing to happen but for more and more little pieces of me to be crushed. after my mental health went down the drain and there were multiple times where i thought i was going to die. after getting more and more insecure every single day. after developing attachment and trust issues. after EVERYTHING. i realised i was not free. i was trapped in the same place i had been for a very long time. and that computer, this school, it was a representation of all of that. i am stuck in this life, stuck somewhere. im so scared all the time and this Chromebook is my little escape during school. but now i might not have this anymore, and even if i still get to keep it its.... its so terrible that this school is making me feel so trapped. like im losing everything. please, i need this to keep going. this school is worthless, i dont want to try here anymore. this place isnt worth trying for. 

everything is so useless, so worthless.

im so hungry and cold.