I miss who i was

K plan is, day of adhd Assessment. I ask doctor if she can refer me to a mental hospital, and if it would be a good idea for me to do so, cause I have convinced myself I should but I need a medical professional to agree or else I feel like that's to much responsibility for me if I fuck up, cause I don't trust myself which is an issue in it's self but not the point. The point is, its been three years I have medicated myself. I have thought I have gotten better, but it's a cycle, and I get depressed again and lose all the progress I've made. I just think being in a hospital will force me to fix myself without any distractions and allow me to have the proper help at my disposal. HOWEVER, that idea of telling my family.  go, no,  might as well just end it instead. God,  I can't be perceived by those I know gross. I can't handle it. Yo. But what if I go and then tell me I'm fundamentally broken.  What if I can't be fixed and this is just how I'm gonna live the rest of my life? I don't think I can do it anymore 

I'm tired.