Observations From a Gender Nomad: Part 2

(continued from Part 1)

To recap, I took what was probably supposed to be a casual question very seriously. In my answer I explored a flashy example of the role pronouns play in gender presentation. A little of what trans discourse looked like 10 years ago and the gender-fluid stereotype it generated. Finishing with a fashionable analogy for just how fun and easy it is to play with your own gender. 

Then by mixing fantasy roleplay language with a bit of gendered stereotypes to expose the tiered class system present in real life. 

in this next section, im going move away from gender roles and identity into its functions and uses.

Gender is social, it is also performative and queer people love to perform gender. We are all versatile actors. To “play the part” in your gender role, it's good to understand what those roles are and how they can function in day to day life. 

Socially, gender can be played much like a game. 

Because gender is deemed so important in society and because it is not something you're supposed to change, let alone frequently, doing so is sort of like having cheat codes. You're able to sort of cheat around some of the rules but you do still have to play the game. Of course, this is not always taken very well from people who are playing the game the “intended” way. 

But what If you were given the choice between gender roles, which would you prefer? What do you think will help you achieve your goal? What seems like it would be fun to try? 

Part “how to handle social situations” and part gender performance, though up close they don't look all so different. 

1. Understanding social situations

This is essentially what you want to achieve. It's good to have this established before anything else. 

Examples could be something goal oriented like making it through a rough part of town at night without any trouble or a job interview. To more ambiguous situations. Which can be anything from parties, socials, munches, meetups and much more. Don't worry so much about what you're expected to do or why you're there, focus on what you want to do and the kind of experience you want to have. 

 “When we play with our identities, we play with desire.” Bornstein, page 39 

2. Your comfort level

Once you have your goal, this is the second step and maybe the hardest. To understand your comfort level you must understand what your discomforts are. What triggers your gender dysphoria? What makes you feel awkward or uncomfortable? What are you afraid of? With stimulation always available to us it is becoming increasingly uncommon to know how to be uncomfortable. which is why this is the hardest step as it also requires a lot of practice. To start, you have to break the seal.

"Breaking the seal" refers to the act of dressing "out of line" and getting over the initial fear of breaking gender norms. it's going out in girls clothes for the first time hoping nobody publicly clocks you. It's wearing a button down shirt hoping your chest doesn't stick out too much. It's uncomfortable but it's also incredibly necessary.  

How easily you can change and perform other gendered attributes and how far you'll go depends how you manage your own discomforts. 

Once the initial seal is broken it becomes a lot easier to do it again. Your world opens up and you start to see things differently. How you relate to yourself and how others treat you in the world will change. 

That first time will always be the hardest so it helps to remember your heroes. You're not the first to have done it and you won't be the last. You can learn a lot from watching someone you admire and then by emulating their behaviour to learn what you like and how to do it. 

What parts of yourself come through more easily than others? What do you keep locked away and why? There are many different ways to perform gender, what draws you to that, specifically? 

There is no true originality, share what inspires you and create honestly.

3. Playing the part

With your goal established and with your limits in mind, now you must act on it. This isn't anything revolutionary, I'm just spelling it out in a numbered list to make it easier to visualise. If you're just starting to experiment with your gender, it's a daunting task and you'll quickly realise you've taken gender roles for granted.  

 “When I get too tired of not having an identity, I take one on: it doesn’t really matter what identity I take on, as long as it’s recognizable.” Bornstein, page 39 

Kate continues. 

“I am the (fill in the blank),” I also say, “You are not, and so you are not in my space.” Thus, I achieve privacy. Gender identity is a form of self-definition: something into which we can withdraw, from which we can glean a degree of privacy from time to time, and with which we can, to a limited degree, manipulate desire.” Bornstein, page 40 

I'm sure you've already noticed that being “Gender Non-Conforming” or simply existing outside the gender binary, is much harder. As fun as breaking the rules is, you sure draw a lot of attention to yourself. 

Once in a while, I’ll pick a binary identity just to find some peace and quiet. There is absolutely nothing wrong with confineding in an identity that is familiar to you. There are growing pains that come with anything new, rest is a requirement. 

4. Have fun :)

With any performance you may get stage fright, even the professionals do. Some days it is easier than others but what matters is that you try. Success is measured by how much fun you're having and by how much chaos you cause to the dominant culture. You needn't focus so much on emulating only gender roles as there are more important attributes and characteristics you can define yourself by. 

Here's more on what Kate Bornstien says about gender roles: 

“Gender roles are collections of factors which answer the question, “How do I need to function so that society perceives me as belonging or not belonging to a specific gender?” Some people would include appearance, sexual orientation, and methods of communication under the term, but I think it makes more sense to think in terms of things like jobs, economic roles, chores, hobbies; in other words, positions and actions specific to a given gender as defined by a culture. Gender roles, when followed, send signals of membership in a given gender.” Bornstein, page 26

There is a joy in being strange in public, there is a freedom in acting on innate desires and there is something erotic from becoming a spectacle. Every double take, side eye and grimace sets my chest alight. What once used to be all nerves is now excitement. I will exist loudly and with pride. I will become something they didn't think existed. I will shatter the false sky painted wall and walk off into the sunset. 

One of the greatest gifts being genderfluid has given me, is the ability to have experiences usually reserved for separate lifetimes. Dreams of reincarnation come true. 

All of what I've said above comes from observation and speculation from interacting in social settings with cis and trans people alike. Nothing scientific. I was only able to make these observations from comparing similar situations and much of this is coming from hindsight.

Just as real life people do not fit into the established categories perfectly, we can at least recognize, as Bornstein calls it, the “membership”(page 39) you're a part of. Just as it is always noticed when someone doesn’t fit in or makes a choice to confidently step outside these categories, those who choose gender nonconformity better understand the realities of the binary gender system.

August Skyz also identifies as gender-fluid and they did a video on their Instagram titled "Observations I’ve made as a gender-fluid person" reenacting a few interactions while including anidotes and rating the experiences. That video got over 140,000 views! It's not very common to see other gender-fluid people rocking it out there. 

I really liked it! I wanted to include a few things they said and while I shared some of their observations, most were different and that excites me. There's really no one way to queer, or specifically in this case gender-fluid. With us sharing the same label and harbouring different experiences we expand its definition and I think that’s a beautiful thing.

I've noticed when presenting masculine, because of the patriarchal standard that “Male=Default” there is no distinct behaviour. 

The behaviour is more generally more positive or neutral with negative behaviour being purposefully hidden, less noticeable or extreme. 

It's when presenting femme that you notice differences in treatment.

August understands this, in relations with men being feminine presenting often results in negative and unwanted behaviour. To quote August from their video, "My knowledge being questioned more-" and "I’m often times spoken 'at' or more so 'through'” when speaking with men. 

Outside of interactions with men, when fem presenting in queer spaces you will be granted more second chances and forgiveness. you will be trusted easier and people are also more likely to gloss over your bad behaviour, especially in Kink and BDSM spaces. 

I've also been clocked as trans by more women than men. This isn't to say men are dumber because passing doesn't have to do with intelligence but rather women are brought up to be much more aware. Men don't really care who is standing next to them but women sure do.

I also think it might be because women are more familiar with femininity and all its intricate details.

The title of this essay is Gender Nomad. Just as nomadic people wander between places, I wander between genders. Once I have experienced enough or when it's become too difficult to stay, I up and I leave. 

Having no gender is very difficult, you have to do a lot more work. Sanding out the mentally ingrained roles and expectations, thawing out the frozen standards set in by time. Generating from the vast options that apply to you and then sharing that with other people. Not to mention the hostility from being different and all the undermining or over-explaining to others who -despite all your work- will just not get it.

This takes a lot of time and energy, a brutal oversimplification can be the crude first steps into figuring it all out for yourself.

The goal, at the end of all this, is to be comfortable in your skin and with your place in your community.  

Don't expect yourself to do this all alone either. Community is vital. Silence equals death, yes, but the slow killer is isolation. So get out there, read queer history and take care of your queer elders. 

It is one of the oldest queer traditions, that we write about our place among a changing world. 

You’re right where you belong.

— 

References 

References used in this essay. 

Bornstein, K. (1995). Chapter 4 “Naming All The Parts”. . In Gender Outlaw: on Men, Women and The Rest of Us (pp. 21–40). essay, Vintage Books

august_skyz [@august_skyz]. (2024, April 8). My ‘PERSONAL’ observations as a Gender-fluid Person [Video]. Instagram. https://www.instagram.com/reel/C5gcG6DLhA9/

Moleiro, Carla, and Nuno Pinto. “Sexual orientation and gender identity: review of concepts, controversies and their relation to psychopathology classification systems.” Frontiers in psychology vol. 6 1511. 1 Oct. 2015, doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2015.01511