Observations From a Gender Nomad: Part 1

While reading Kate Bornstein’s book “Gender Outlaw” I realised quickly, I didn’t really understand the thing she was talking about despite having dealt with it myself for many years now. 

Gender. 

Gender? I hardly know her!

I definitely didn’t know about gender before I came out as trans, I thought I did while transitioning, and now, I'm back to not knowing again. 

In her book, Kate describes her life in chapters, with personal experiences and insightful observations about her transition and the world around her. 

It is a fantastic book, a must read for anyone who has a rocky relationship with gender and is looking to change that. 

However, we no longer live in the world which she wrote about. Kate was 46 years old when Gender Outlaw was first published in 1994.

Now, I'm rather young comparatively. There is no way I can have anything figured out. I could decide that I’m actually a woman after all or I could go back to being a man, and that would be fine. Until then however, I have yet to really, seriously write down my own experience with gender. 

I get asked for my pronouns or preferences regularly enough, always overly simplifying my answer to “any, I don't have a preference.”

I do have a preference but I don't know how I'm going to explain that preference to you quickly and simply, especially if it's a cisperson asking. I still don't fully understand my own gender, I doubt anyone really does, but I should at least try to understand it, like Kate did. As did queer people before me and as they will do so after me. 

 “Gender” is a pretty broad topic and I won't be covering all of my thoughts and feelings about it here, expect a sequel. All of the quotes from Gender Outlaw used here can be found in chapter 4 “Naming All The Parts.” This chapter had the biggest impact on me, It’s also partly to keep the topics homogeneous and I didn't want this to be a book report or a review. 

In this essay, I talk about what gender looks like from being outside of it. I’ll try to be as informative as I can but at the end of the day, this is all just coming from my own experiences. I'm also not claiming that this is a universal experience or that if you can't relate to what I'm saying then you're still stuck inside some “Gender Matrix” (Oooo). 

In fact, the real reason I started writing this is because I took a simple question way too literally.

The Question: 

“Do you prefer pronouns that match how you present for the day or do you prefer switching around within one presentation?”

This was tough to answer right away. It was about my gender, surely I would know this, right? And yet, I was stumped.

When a question is looking too tough it's best to break it down into more manageable pieces. 

Let's explore the first half “Do you prefer pronouns that match how you present yourself for the day..”

Yes. I like my pronouns to match my presentation, that's easy enough. I like when I'm recognized as the gender I'm trying to portray; it's euphoric. Like with any art, having the audience recognize your artwork in the way you intended is a good feeling, it's an accomplishment. This is especially true when I dress feminine, I think “Haha! Yes! I've still got it!”

The exception to this being that it is really, really fun to mess around with gender presentation. Playing around with personal style, hair and makeup, even mannerisms. We love butch lesbians and we love femboy twinks but could we go a step further?

What does having pronouns that don't match your gender presentation look like? 

For example, being dressed up in full femme glamour and using he/him pronouns.

Why would this be enjoyable? It's a clear bait and switch. it's comedic to those with a sense of humour, it's camp. It's also got a clear message. When I use he/him pronouns I expect people to talk to me like a man and treat me like a man, I expect all the social benefits that come with being a man. 

A feminine presentation comes with its own separate gender expectations. Expectations that were made secondary to masculinity. Unfortunately, femme presentation, especially high femme, glamourous or “bimbo,” reads as dumb, ditzy, annoying, spoiled, “asking for it,” a slut.

You’ll know if the person talking to you thinks you're a woman, by how they're talking to you and what they are saying about you. This is regardless of the other person's gender*. There will be signs. It might feel condescending, infantilizing, you might be talked over or interrupted. You’re talked down to, straight through or ignored. It's exhausting. 

Enter He/Him High Femme. Its statement: “I'm hot and you like it and you’ll give me a man’s respect” it's a flashy, demanding display of feminine sexuality that makes people's heads spin. It's hot and I absolutely love it. Drag is similar, both being performances of gender but drag is a literal performance and I think the distinction lies in the power of the dichotomy. a feminine appearance matched with masculine language is jarring because it is doing the unthinkable, it’s putting femininity on par with masculinity. 

With the female privilege of sexual power and the male privilege of respect, the divas are coming out on top. 

    This goes without saying but identifying as a woman and presenting feminine does not warrant your disrespect, cis or trans. You should be able to be glamorous and not disrespected at the same time.

However, it's always fun to gag an audience.

On to the second half of the question: 

“..or do you prefer switching around within one presentation”

Here's where I run into trouble. I guess I should have asked for clarification to mean “changing my pronouns around during the day, sort of on a whim” or “ presenting in a certain way but changing the pronouns to match or differ.” I think I explained the latter so ill visit the former.

I think there’s a real stereotype from back in the 2010’s, a time when the discussion of gender looked much different than today.

Back then terms like “trans-masculine” or “trans-feminine” were not as accepted. It was all binary and full of toxic transmedicalism, the belief that you must undergo full medical hormone replacement therapy and every kind of surgery in order to even qualify as a “True” transsexual. That was the basis for validity; anything else was deemed “fake” and put up for ridicule online.

A lot of the information we have today was being gathered around that time. From medical studies on hormone replacement therapy to social development surveys, the landscape of transgender topics was beginning to shift. One of the biggest changes came in 2013 when the term “Gender Dysphoria" replaced “Gender Identity Disorder” in the DSM-5, (moleiro, pinto, 2015). For a young trans person coming out in the 2010s, there wasn't nearly the amount of information that we have today. With few resources in a still relatively closeted community and an oncoming rise of social media and internet third spaces, the queer community was more connected than ever, but also more at odds.

Within this chaotic time, a lot of stereotypes were generated and spread around.

I believe this is where the idea that being “Gender-Fluid” now meant that you changed your pronouns multiple times in a day, constantly shifting by the minute or hour.

Personally, I would find this to be exhausting and I don't know anybody who functions like this. Gender doesn't lend itself to time. It’s during social situations and just living our daily lives that we are constantly bumping into it. 

In short, my answer is: both! …What else did you think it would be?

Sometimes I play by the gender rules and sometimes I don’t, it depends on how I feel and what I want to do. 

“Oh but how do you keep track of everything? How do you know when to switch? Is gender intuitive? Or are you just faking it for attention?!” 

Think about what's in your closet. Think about all the different clothes you have and think about all the ways you can wear them. 

Take your pants and shirts for example. You pull your pants up to your waist and your shirt fits on your torso, right? 

But you don’t have to. 

The really fashionable divas know that every garment has different possibilities depending on how you wear it. You can wear your pants as a jacket or your shirt as a skirt. How does it feel to wear them like that? Have you ever tried it? Why not? 

Plus, there's all the accessories, your shoes, hats, purses and bags. Oh and you can't forget the jewellery and-

Anyway, The possibilities are endless. Try mixing and matching what you already own, wear your shirt as a skirt and then do the same with your gender. 

Most people don't notice how many times we are faced with our own sex and gender, except for trans people. For us, it is a daily occurrence. I'm sure plenty of cis people worry about their gender sometimes but probably don't even realise it. 

Afterall what is the point of a gender other than to signal to other people what we feel we are on the inside and where we'd like to place ourselves in the world. 

And who says you can't have a little fun once in a while? 

As Kate Bornstien says 

“Usually, I need an identity appropriate (or appropriately inappropriate) to the context in which I want to experience that person or thing… 

In a tennis match, I could be a player, an audience member, a concessionaire, a referee, a member of the grounds staff. In the context of a romantic involvement, it gets less obvious about what I need to be in order to have an appropriate identity,...

or something that passes for gender identity, like a gender role. A gender role might be butch, femme, top, and bottom—these are all methods of acting.”  Bornstein, page 39

Since becoming a gender nomad, I’ve been around different gendered groups. I can't say I've seen it all but I've witnessed enough to make some distinct observations. It started as a fun kind of game, trying to figure out “what is gender?” and coming up with all sorts of possible answers. During my exploration, I've found that part of the allure of gender roles is how widely recognizable they are. We know what a man looks like, we know what a woman looks like. We understand feminine and masculine attributes but what happens if you strip away the gendered language used to describe those attributes, are they still recognizable? 

To test this, I’ve selected three fantasy roleplay characters to substitute for the gender binary. 

The Paladin:

The "default" option with good offence, good defence to threaten or protect. You're safe from most common dangers, but you can't use magic as effectively as the other classes, because of this you can be easily influenced by magic. Generally safe and yet there is a huge underlying weakness, you are alone. Everyone else and even your own either fears you or is in direct competition with you. leaving you strongly disconnected from others, It is harder to find emotional intimacy with yourself and the world. Your sacred oath and unyielding to one's belief system is where the majority of your power comes from. It is difficult to break that oath but once broken you can never benefit from its power again. 

The Mage:

Also known as sorcerers, magicians or spellcasters. Being quick on their feet and quick thinking, makes this class a perfect companion to adventuring Paladins. Believed to be good natured, softer, emotional, sensitive and expressive makes people more likely to trust you and open up to you. Often envied for your magical capabilities and kinships with others. With arcane knowledge understanding states of cycles and flow brings you power. 

Having a deep understanding of how life and the world works is a very powerful thing but being a magic user has its negative associations, it is taboo. But without Mages, the world would not function with the same efficiency as it does now, yet despite being required for the current system to function, you are not who necessarily benefits from it.  

The Monster:

There are endless tales across time and oceans about them, we adore monsters just as much as we fear them. While humans come in limited shapes a monster's form is infinitely diverse. Unlike the other classes, there is no designated role for you. Being an outsider, the security is gone but so are the limitations. You are free but you are a spectacle. There has always been a belief that monsters are more spiritual and closer to otherworldly forces, even closer than mages. With bustling underground societies you have closer connections to others like you and to dark and forbidden powerful magic. 

We tend to use metaphorical language when describing gender.

Gender is not a physical entity. you cannot hold it, it cannot reflect light so it has no shape or colour. My use of fantasy themed language aims to take our own feelings and efforts out of gender to better understand the belief systems, values, and social placements being fabricated. and by using recognizable fantasy world logic, produces viewable strengths and weaknesses.