the state of hygiene in my family household

tw: mentions of human faeces, violence at home

ive got my typing quirk off so you know its a serious blog post lolol

so for those of you who dont know from my previous blogs, i have three younger brothers two of which are well.... i guess very disabled? not in the fact that they cant walk or are paralyzed or anything like that. rather they have servere learning issues and becuase of their autism they probably go into a full blown meltdown every month. uh, older brother and youngest brother who ill just call H and B are a little different but still hell to live with. i risk sounding abelist by saying this stuff but i do have learning disabilities as well (just WAY less bad) and when you live with these two for 14 years you'll understand.

so when H doesnt get his way, like he doesnt get to watch stuff on his ipad or cant have particular foods.. sometimes hes okay with it. but that makes it 10x scarier because you dunno when hes gonna snap. he can throw stuff, bang his head on walls, slap and push people, scream and make repeating noises, just crazy shit like that. sometimes they can last for hours. sometimes i think he does shit to get on peoples nerves. like bringing his sippy cups to bed and pouring the water out in front of my dad. oh, and have i mentioned that we could never let him take our ipads becuase he WILL throw and break them. it never happened to mine, but it happened to my non-disabled brother C TWICE. And now we talk about my youngest brother B, who is better than H but is kind of like the shit cherry on a shitty cake. he screams like a demon. theres absolutely no way to describe it in a blog post, but its the worst screaming ive ever heard. its nasily and snotty and so loud it pierces through noise blocking headphones. he does this for hours at a time, as well. he also runs around the house, grabbing and breaking things. he cant be left alone for one second, and hes literally like 7 now. my dad has to follow him around constantly, and i can see the actual life drain from him whenever he has to. its the saddest shit ever. but hey, maybe my family could be REALLY good for a birth control ad..... am i right??? whats more good for an ad then hearing your mother scream over the phone at the disability insurance people or hearing your brother scream and hit people for hours. when these two come home, i get incredibly scared. and youd think after 14 years of this id be at least a little used to it, right? well not really. in fact, its ONLY gotten more disturbing as the years go by. my family's reactions have basically been surprised i find these things scary or gross. 

but before that, lets talk hygiene.

so because my parents had to take so much time out of their day to take care of everyone else in my family i was never really taught everything i needed to do about hygiene. i never had anyone to remind me to do things when i was younger so in primary school i was barely brushing my teeth or washing my hands. adhd didnt help. it was only until the start of high school it became a insecurity. and somehow my hygiene is getting like 10x better in some of the WORST times of my life? i brush my teeth every morning and night, wash my hands etc etc. but honestly i started doing a lot of these things becuase of the STATE of my home. because my brother H cant do anything on his own, he needs people to help him take showers and go to the toilet and eat. the toilet is the worst.

i am not even joking. he smears his faeces on the toilet walls and in the shower. 

ive gone into the shower, hoping to just feel clean and i see literal shit on the walls of the shower and on the shower door. yesterday, his shit was on the toilet paper that was STILL on the rack. like smeared all over it. every time i saw it id get so scared. i dont know why. this isnt the first time this has happened, hes been doing this for maybe half a decade now? im a daydreamer, ive been dreaming since i was a kid to run away from this place to a paradise. but now i just dream ill have a clean bathroom in the future. and one time about 4/5 years ago he threw, like straight up through a chunk of his shit at me. my grandma was there, and when i started gagging because i was NINE FUCKING YEARS OLD and someone THREW SHIT AT ME she said i was being over-dramatic. 

thats basically been their thing. their surprised that i dont even want to be around the two of them anymore, or that i hang out with C when H isnt home so that we wont get bothered. even C talks about how much he hates H and how terrible things are, and we've barely talked to each other about it. 

i remember with the nightmare week, leaning on almost two months ago now my parents said that i had made this whole story in my head and that everything was normal and that people outside of our family would have no idea of all the things that happen. that wasnt related to my brothers, but if it ever came out what i thought about these two id probably get the same talk. and thats terrifying. these things, all these things i had realised ARE real. they are happening and they are fucked up. and im counting down every month until i can leave.