idek

god i miss him, i miss him so much but why do i have to restrain myself. i want so badly to reach out and hold him, to let him know im here and how badly i've missed him. but i just can't. my arms are bound and my words were stolen i no longer know what to say. a sorry? and apology? would he even want it? would he accept it? he says he loves me but im anxious. im scared. he's worried, he thinks about me, he cares? i thought he wished me dead, thought he hated every breath i took and every word i spit. so why does he love me? its sudden and i'm scared but i'm swept away in a trance. the urge to be with, to return to a being i considered safe. who talking to used to feel like butterflies swarming my stomach and a warm blanket wrapped around my shivering body. i feel wronged. i can't jump from one situation to another, yet here i am writing heartfelt blogs in the twisted form of letters. refreshing a page hoping for a new vague reply, a distant "hello" and a reminder of the loving feelings i had once before. i said i needed time but it feels like i need him. i wish to be an inanimate object, the one he wraps his arms around nightly. why am i suddenly feeling this way?? i swore i hated him. i swore to myself i wouldn't let him carry me away with sweet poetics and silly words typed on a screen. i guess i broke that vow then, because it feels like he already has.