UGHGHFGSDHT fuck

i can't take my brain anymore, infiltrated with boys like a middle school girl's. its filled with heartbreak, misery, and sorrowful, desperate hope. an urge to say hi, to just ask how his day is. i want it how it used to be, but don't know which past i want. i'm confused and mislead, blinded by old feelings and disguised pity. sorry can be the only word in my mind, it rings like a never-ending echo. 

a single sentence changes the way i look up at the night sky. 19 words that changed my perspective. they're both better at describing words like this than i am. i'm trying my hardest, clinging on to past closeness but pushing myself away from another.

i don't understand anything. i used to think i loved him, and i used to think i hated the other. i was always careful and gentle, i made sure i was. why did things turn out this way? a curse perhaps, i don't even know. 2 months pass by and it's over in a flash. i crumble, i expect it. but i'm still not used to it. 

god if only they both knew