my life is in shambles rn

i can't go to camp and be one of the counselors there, bc they think i'm a threat to the kids..... im not, im a threat to myself

i told ppl i was abused, and now they want his liscense revoked, even though i don't want any action done

i don't want ppl to follow me bc they think i'm hot or bc i do these fetish type of content, its demeaning, why can't people just like me for me, my crude humor or humor in general, my personality (if there is? i know i have, its called being an ENTP-T, and arguing with everyone bc i can and its fun, even if i'm obvi wrong at times), my singing (even if its downright atrocious), hearing me discuss about things or topics i'm studying or curiously learning, or watch me just animate or sit there and make crafts or portraits, or still life of flowers... or help me or watch me struggle as i try to produce something good (music) for once in my life and to finally stop depending on AI to give me a generic a** beat.....

why can't ppl like me in general.. is it bc i can't fit in their norms thus they avoid me.....

despite almost dying bc of miscommunication with my mother and professors, i'm going to school (should i stop calling it school, bc its college- should i try institution? but that also sounds weird), anyways i'm going to school, i ain't gonna hurt nobody like i used to, bc-

bc i can't just hurt someone, then justify myself and not feel any regret about my actions, until my subconscious haunts me 2 years later to make me feel sorry about it... (this was often the case when i was in my pre teens, around 13 - 16 yrs.. and it all started when my counselor didn't do anything when i was cyberbullied online so i took matters to my own hands, and pretty much watch the schools burn.......... i did not burn down anything lets be clear)

atleast you know i have learned my lesson.. it took 5 years to finally change my violent behaviour.. why would i want to regress that progress (that line can be a bar on rap, if i was a rapper... but i can rap though)

my life is in shambles.. my fans would hate me if i stop doing sxlised content...

i'm doing okay though, thats not a lie, i'll go to school, deliver my presentation, then go to a hospital to get myself checked out, if there was any ailments or wrong with my body.. then i'll try to convince my professors to just do my thing, take the exams, or go to that camp, bc it sounds unfair to me and other ppl that i won't take the exam just bc i almost died one time.. two days ago.. i almost tried to, you know...

heres the thing, am i manipulating them... no.. during the time, i don't really know how to progress my life bc it felt like now i no longer have any control, turns out i do have control, it was all a big miscommunication.. and also i didn't wanna die, i want to do stuff in my life, become a good singer or producer, become a therapist, theres other things i haven't tried yet, and to flourish the floor- no lawl, but if ever i get over myself and decide to not hate relationships anymore, maybe i can get a husband and then flourish my bloodline.. but the chances of marrying someone for me is very low.. thats why i bought a gown, incase i do die, atleast i saw myself in a gown and will probably get buried with it..

funny.... bc during the event two days ago when i don't know how to progress my life, i really did think that the secret will be told to my mom, and that did happen despite me assuming that it happened...... maybe i'm a psychic of some sort..

i really thought my mom was already throwing my stuff away.. and that my free trial of living is over bc where would i go.. like i said, i was wrong, i jumped to conclusions..

then again, please.. to people undergoing... well this too, please don't die in your own hands, theres a solution even if it looks like there isn't one, mine just happened to be a big miscommunication