20/05/20XX - Lets try and do this together... okay?

yesterday sucked, and i wasnt really expecting it to. 

i decided to hang out with that friend who i think has a crush on me? honestly, i did it more becuase i didnt really have anything else to do and i thought it would be fun to go and revisit places around my town before i move. 

if you saw my last entry, you would have know that out of the blue randomly in the evening my mum came in cuz i reblogged a post on tumblr that was pro-palestine and anti biden AND trump, and she was geneuinely mad at me and said i was "comparing biden to trump" and that "biden actually does a lot for the students". yea, i dont think bro remembers hes president half the time. but then it took like 10 mins after she left for me to realise she FOLLOWS me on tumblr, which is why she had known i reblogged that.  in fact the reason why she had known i was using tumblr during school that one time and the reason she knew i used tumblr one time at night is becuase of that. and i just screamed NOPE and blocked her. i just prayed that tumblr doesnt tell you that youve been blocked by someone. it brought back that terrifying feeling that someone was watching me agian, it made me feel so on edge. i felt like i had to check everything. 

then i went onto youtube and saw one of those anti ai videos, talking about an ai "film". saying it looked soulless and stuff. which is true, and my fear of ai had toned itself down by a longshot. the night i found out about sora, i thought i was going to die. genuinely. ai hurts my dreams, and out of anything i cant handle that hurts the most. i cant lose my future, or ill die. but after going through it with a therapist, and just distancing myself from the idea, i felt safe agian. 

but i dunno, something about how realistic the film looked scared me. and in an attempt to calm myself down, i tried to watch other videos. ofc that only made things so much worse. i felt the same feeling i felt over 3 months ago all over agian. in my head, my two alter egos were conversing. raine was crying, like they usually are nowadays. and echo was trying to calm him down. im not really sure what raine said, but it reminded echo that our future might be scarce.  ive always wanted to perform on stage and show the world who i am. but if the world doesnt care, or is too worried about the world then... what the hell do i do?

echo kind of just collapsed. a mix of stress and every singled fear washed over me. echo, a being that contains every single bit of passion. for art, for games, for humanity. for that to be potentially crushed, they cant deal with. echo barely cries, but stuff like this makes them weep. 

raine, now filled with fearful hatred for life and the sorrow of their sibling turned around to see it. a huge shadow of fear, making the sounds of mechanical wiring and fire. he lifted his hand and struck a burst of lightning. it exploded, and surprisingly the fear washed away. leaving a mark that almost looked like a burn into the ground. they had taken such a huge chunk out of it. they're happier but, not everything is fixed. he turned to echo, saying that they took a huge chunk out of their fear. but echo was still scared. its not enough, they said. what if it comes back, they said. what will happen to us, they asked. raine said he wasnt sure, but whatever the hell happens next they needed to stick together for. echo felt disgusted, that their precious internet and humanity was so repulsive. they screamed how much they regretted everything. when he first came online, what dragged them in was the idea of hearing peoples stories and knowing that thats what he wanted to do. not this. raine was just glad that maybe, they were both close to defeating and untangling these fears. 

you see, before everything that happened. before year 8 and everything else. raine and echo worked together perfectly fine. echo did all the online work, finding things to be passionate over and learning more about who we are. while raine dealt with real life issues, like friends and emotions and spent their time untangling them, and also looked at the beauty of the world. when everything went back, over a year ago now. raine was overflowed with things to deal with, and went from someone who was a bit upfront and cold sometimes to a kid who constantly needed reassurance and would go into sobbing fits and yell random things. echo had to give a helping hand to echo, both of them had to face the worst things they've ever experienced. in putting their hands together, they learnt more about who they were... but becuase of how hard they had to try and get through every obstacle and how more and more fears and problems had popped up... they are now permanently scarred. 

echo finally said that raine was acting different, kind of like how they used to act. i felt hopeful, they both did. i still went to bed early though, i couldnt handle anymore hours of overthinking. 

in the time its taken for me to write this, ive already had 50 school tech issues becuase the teacher just decided to not send the links to classes today. i told my mum i was using my school laptop (i wasnt) and that i reset my school laptop (i didnt) and i told the teacher that ill do the school work in during this (i wont)

god... this year and school really isnt working out for me is it. this school is so useless. i just have to hold on. thats all i have to do, hold onto anything. and maybe ill make it out alive.