how does it feel to be fourteen?

im gonna turn fifteen within 4 days and, honestly, i dont really want to. because its being great around here, despite all. i know that, even though all the bad things, im gonna look back at this and say `oh god, i miss being fourteen´. cause so many good things happened `when i was fourteen´. i got my first guitar when i was fourteen. i got my first band tshirt when i was fourteen. i had my first `so theres this guy´when i was fourteen. i became a linkin park fan when i was fourteen. i changed my perspective about being a freak when i was fourteen. i met my bestfriend when i was thirteen. i started studying philosophy when i was fourteen. my god. im already missing it.

im so afraid of growing up. growing old. cause i have no plans. it seems that everyones got a dream, a plan, but i dont. i got no fucking clue pf how its gonna be in four or five years. i have no vision of future. i just wanna be a teen forever. nothing out there interests me, besides finding the man and building a family. i just wanna stay here, learn how to play my guitar and spend all day and night inisde my own universe. and im so scared of not making enough memories. i am completely terrorized by the idea of being old, looking back at something and thinking `oh man, i shouldve done that´. i just wanna make the most out of it, because i know im living my `best years´. i wanna do whatever the fuck i want, and fucking no regrets. because in a frighteningly soon future, all of this is gonna turn into memories. i know im gonna miss this so bad, im already missing it. 

even though i started hurting myself this age, my relationship with my mom got worse and i started suspecting i got abused, it was not all sorrows. it was mostly good, i guess. being fourteen is great. no responsabilities, no college. just trying to impress my history teacher, and laying in bed listening to music till five o clock in the morning. not doing shit all day. just watching movies, discovering new bands and rewatching breaking bad. man, im gonna miss it. but, to my old self, know that sometimes i literally stop to think of how things are good. im fucking enjoying it.