expectations

i recently read sayaka murata's "life ceremony". the last chapter was about fitting in with everyone's expectations of how you should act based on how they perceive you to be. it resonated with something i had been dealing with for quite some time.

i feel like there are so many expectations resting on my shoulders. i'm supposed to be ready for relationships but i'm not, i need to be the perfect daughter with good grades, i need to find a good christian man to marry and make grandchildren for my parents, i can't do drugs or drink or act any unholy way, i need to please every man no matter what. i can't do this.

being a people-pleaser, you try to reach every single one of these expectations because you want people to be happy with you, and not be disappointed when you fail to meet those expectations. over time, i think it's done more bad than good, but i don't know how to change it. at this point, i think it's caused me to dissociate. i didn't notice this until recently.

i can't seem to feel my emotions well. my body feels like it doesn't belong to me. i'm constantly searching for how i'm supposed to feel, how others would react in a situation i'm in, and what the appropriate response is. is this the result of giving without break? or is it stupid to even say that, considering i don't feel like a good person even when i try to make everyone happy? i often need solid, explicit boundaries to make sure i don't overstep, since i don't know how i'm supposed to react. maybe that's covid's fault? or maybe i'm just trying to push the blame onto something else because i've been struggling in social situations to find the proper social norm and balance others' happiness at the same time.

this is all so tiring. i want to feel like i belong to the person who is "abby". i don't want to be a spectator any more. is it a defense mechanism for all of the feelings i'm feeling? pushing away any sort of ownership of "abby" so it doesn't feel like it's my fault when i fail. it's not me, it's someone else. i didn't do it. i don't belong to the same person. we don't share the same body or mind or soul. that isn't me. that's just a persona that was created to please someone, one that failed drastically.