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its been... worse, lately. the entire feeling of feeling like things not mattering and the fear of seeing dates and how long ago things were is coming back to haunt me. i think the reason why it was gone for a little while is because i had pure hope for the future agian. now, its more complicated.
seeing future years and times and knowing how long ago things were and will be makes my inner self cry. but... time is the only thing that is going to help me. time is my friend but, god they're terrifying. and its hard to see what i will be like in the future, even though i know at some point i just have to be safe agian. thats the only thing i know. but... its hard. its hard when you havent been okay in so long. its so fuzzy, hazy. you cant convince yourself time means nothing when it is the only thing thats going to save you, but its also so tragic. time makes it feel like everything is useless. you shouldnt watch that video, because its over 5 years old. you cant handle the fact that 20XX was that long ago. you cant play this older games because handle the fact that you havent lived that long, you cant help but feel this sense of dread you cant even untangle to figure out. and even with things you HAVE lived though and experienced to the fullest, you cant deal with the idea that it doesnt matter because its not new anymore. and you cant deal with new things because all you can think about is how terrifying that it was made THIS year. a year that you felt was the future, at some point. all of it, points to the idea that it will never EVER matter. at some point, its going to not matter. and at some point, this fear also wont matter.
you see how confused i feel? im stuck between all three places at once. i cant wish that i could stop time because time is the only thing keeping me going. it makes so little sense and so much sense. pushing forwards and backwards and forwards and backwards over and over and over. i can barely reach the surface of the water, but the fear of what lurks beneath haunts you and pulls you closer. trapped in a void, trapped in nowhere.
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ech0gek0
today i tried writing in a small book i was given. i decided to write my lifes story, extremely summerised and overdone on my part but... i felt like it needed to me done. for the future, i said.
i opened the book onto two blank pages, holding my pen. i wave of anxiety rushed over me and i closed it. i knew that the past needed to be known but... i couldnt deal with the back and forth agian. and seeing a blank page, knowing it waa going to be filled. knowing the dates, the numbers the years.. why.. why must i feel like this yet agian..?
i remember when i was 10 thinking how it will be when i was 13
now im 15 nothing changed
i sometimes think of that only to realise that its been 2 years ago
tbh i feel like ur overthinking this stuff i suggest u use that book as a diary and write everything u feel confused about only to refer on a later date and see how far uve come
i remember a qoute from an old dreamcast game Seaman i believe
"This is not the type of game in which one can spend several hours in one sitting and expect to experience vast amount of action or change. As with life itselfe change only occurs over time and even then slowly. Change is only evident through the accumulation of expirience over time."
by niko #miserable condom :<; ; Report