Day 128 of Moth Van Der Linde giving a campfire speech to the Van Der Linde gang

Whoooppsssss, I kind of did nothing today! The time escaped me and I realized, it was afternoon and my sister was coming home from school and I was sitting in front of the TV watching Seinfeld still...

• SeinPEAK!
• OH NO...DORIAN!
• Study update!
• Blur! Song 2!
• Starlust!
• The recommendation!

It's late, I'll keep this entry brief but I am talking about Seinfeld so... Anyway, I watched Seinfeld today, like 10 episodes. I love that show so much. I hate Kramer and Jerry but I adore Seinfeld. Especially season 4 which is the one I'm on. It's very.... dirty, there's a lot more sex jokes than in the previous seasons and in a day and age where TV shows and movies can be as explicit as they want to be, look at Big Mouth, Family Guy, some other shit, I've started to really appreciate older shows like this which kind of paved the way for the freedom of expression that we have in the media. I'm not actively looking for explicit media but it's important that that's allowed in the first place. Some people need to be explicit to get their story across and you can nowadays and to a large audience too, I'm gonna rag on Tarantino again and praise Marty once more but everyone is always praising Tarantino for being so violent and gory but the only reason why he could make movies like that was because of older directors fighting tooth and nail to tell their story in detail, to not have to sacrifice any meaning because of censorship. Like look at Taxi Driver, do any amount of research on the making of that film and you'll know how difficult it was to actually make it happen the way that it did. I'm only talking about sex and violence because this is in relation to Seinfeld but there's also stuff like LGBT depictions, poc representation that can be depicted in movies without censorship but back in the day, that was taboo, no shit but you know what I mean. Seinfeld's odd way of bending over backwards to tell a crude joke without getting censored is something I appreciate and Curb Your Enthusiasm also exists and that's a good way to compare just how much things changed. I think that's one of the reasons why i love Seinfeld aside from the comedy being A grade. I never laugh at dirty jokes but during those 10 episodes, there was not a single time when I was not laughing. Other than that, it's important how Seinfeld paved the way for less censorship in media! Also, if you look at a lot of my favorite shows, they are the shows which paved the way. I just love old stuff like movies and TV and music. I think we need to be more appreciative of it...

I feel like Dorian Gray was the book version of what I was just discussing. It's an important book because of how it directly opposes puritan views. I also think it's quite effective. It really puts you in Dorian's shoes. He's the protagonist but also, at the beginning of the story, Dorian meets Henry, an interesting man who Dorian can't get enough of. I wouldn't say Dorian loves Lord Henry but he's addicted to his words and finds him interesting, Henry poses interesting questions and ideas which Dorian would never think of. That's how i felt reading the book. It fuels such interesting thoughts and gives me these deep questions that I never thought about. It's easy to talk about the books queer coding and the reason I bring this up is because Oscar Wilde was gay and while I haven't done too much research on him and this is all speculation but I definitely think that this book has something to do with that. Or I mean like him being a queer man growing up in the time when he did must've influenced this book. I feel conflicted at times too, based off of what others think or would think and based off of what has been established as normal. Like in the book Dorian hides his painting from the world because he's scared and ashamed and he doesn't want people to see what really goes on inside. He becomes really paranoid at one point. I became like that at a point where I was really scared that people would leave me, mostly some of my irls who I'm not out to neither as pan nor as enby and I sit up at night thinking "they know" and that scares me. I suppose this blog is like my portrait of sorts, I often times lay my most vulnerable thoughts here for all the world to see...

Ummmm... this blog is supposed to be funny! Whatever happened to the jokes??? What happened to the wacky zany antics of the life of Moth??? Well, here's the wacky zany antics. I finished all my work yesterday so I had the day to myself to do nothing. I should've revised at least which is what I'm trying to do now but other than, I never opened a book today except for Dorian Gray...Ohhhhhhhhhhhhu........ddoooooooooorrrrrriiiiiiaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn... I feel that I have to say that every time I mention the book. My cousin left an annotation in the book that just says "oh Dorian" and I'm writing it how she would say it. Hope that clears things up. Anyway, I'm writing maths Tomorrow, let's hope it goes well! I sure hope it does. Uh...yeah, I sure hope it does...

Today was a blur. I'm trying to do these daily again but today I was contemplating skipping the blog because I couldn't remember what I did. Let's jump back to my portrait! When I first started the blog, I said I'd be 100% honest and transparent and first of all... that's impossible and second of all... at that point, I was very much so pushing the narrative that I was super productive and put together but in reality, I'm stitched together with weak threads and reinforced with duct tape so naturally, there are days when I just fall apart and I must pick up the pieces and stitch myself back together. Oooohhh, promise me you won't steal that, reader, that's a beautiful image. I'm gonna use that. But yeah, today i fell apart. I fell into old habits. I drank too much coffee, I neglected to take care of myself, i neglected to eat properly and I really do wanna be honest but there comes a point where i write about that and I feel pathetic. "Chat, I didn't eat today... I need someone to feed me even though I'm 18" I can cook, I'm just saying, I feel juvenile when I come forward with these problems. Like what's wrong with me? These things come so easy to others and they come easy to me sometimes and then there's times like this where it's so difficult for me. I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess let's end this on a hopeful note. I've developed a much more positive attitude, like today was bad but there's always tomorrow and I'm happy that my positive attitude had become so internalized and natural to me, I can feel shitty but never hopeless. Notice how earlier I said i must pick up the pieces, notice how the analogy didn't end with me falling apart. I will pick up the pieces and carry them with me into tomorrow. Or better call saul, Howard Hamlin quote... I will land on my feet and if you feel the same way, you too will land on your feet we always do...

Despite this weird back pedaling, I have had this odd inspiration. Oh! I've found a word for it too. There's this song I liked called Starlust by Lush and on a whim, I looked up what that term meant and it's just to be inspired and romantic (in the poetic sense, not the lovey dovey) and that's how I feel! I used to say I had a lust for life like the Iggy Pop song but no, not anymore, I have a desire to shoot for the stars. Starlust is such a beautiful term. Pairing lust, this carnal craving with stars, something so out of reach, so far above us. Starlust, this immense, insatiable, deep and carnal craving to shoot for the highest reaches. It's not something that you yearn or long for, you crave for something more, something better, something brighter! What am i on about? I sound like Dutch Van Der Linde in his campfire monologs. "DAMMIT ARTHUR! ITS CALLED STARLUST! THE CRAVING AND DEEP DESIRE FOR SOMETHING BRIGHTER! AUSTRALIA!!!!!! TAHITI!!!!!! NEW YORK!!!!!!" I've never played rdr 2...

Recommendation of the day! I feel like this blog was a lot less comedic than I wanted it to be. That's okay. You're probably wondering though, where's all the funny and wacky and zany humor???? Well, that's where my recommendation comes in. I mentioned Seinfeld and my new favorite episode is the recommendation of the day. The contest, season 4 episode 11. You can watch it without watching the rest but it's just so funny. It's a little crude but Seinfeld is rated 13 and I don't think anyone below that age is allowed on this site, I don't know. Just be warned, dirty humor but I promise you, it's genuinely really clever and really funny. One of the best episodes and one of the episodes that people look back on as important or significant for television as a whole. 

Anyway, good night, I'm tired. I'm writing tomorrow, sorry for the Dutch Van Der Linde type blog entry, sorry for the lack of humor and thank you for reading anyway!