vent (again 2)

i feel like i should never have loved i should never have cared, and its all repeating family dynamic again. yk none will ever love you unconditionally, it doesnt exist, its a fairy tale and its a hard pill to swallow. i am disillusioned by love and i hate that i have been made to need it. im being selfish i know but i thought she would understand me i thought she would not hate any part of me but thats impossible isnt it. 

worry not! becomingwhoyouare.net is with us today and will help us process our negative thoughts!

https://www.becomingwhoyouare.net/how-to-journal-about-negative-topics-without-feeling-overwhelmed/

1. Why do I think this? 

a big can of worms i dont wanna open, but probably because recent events

2. What have I learned from this experience?

i hate everything and everyone. but other than that, i only have myself and only i can save me. i have nothing and none is on my side, everyone hates me as much as i hate them as much i hate myself.

just kidding!

I have uh learnt to be more sympathetic with other people's feelings and lying is a necessary societal function and i will continually suffer from it as i was meant to

3. How can writing about this help me heal?

it probably will not! but im forgetting all the emotional distress and dumping it in here on a web for everyone to see so you may all be entertained, amused even. im having a beer after this lmao

just kidding!

im here to heal alright? so im doing 20 MORE QUESTIONS TO HELP YOU CHALLENGE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS LETS GO

https://www.mcgill.ca/counselling/files/counselling/20_questions_to_challenge_negative_thoughts_0.pdf

1. Am I confusing a thought with a fact?

I infact am not. it was very real

2. Am I jumping to conclusions?

I probably am, she doesnt probably hate me but wary

3. Am I assuming my view of things is the only one possible?

McGill counseling trying to gaslight me frfr. no fr though probably, if someone else was in my shoes theyd probably have a more healthy way of viewing things

4. What do you want? What are your goals? Do you want to be happy and get the most out of life? Is the way you are thinking now helping you to achieve this? Or is it standing in the way of what you want?

i want love but i dont want to compromise myself, that is cringe. dependence and pretending to be something else to fit into a mold is cringe, i will not lose myself. the way of my thinking is probably an automatic reaction caused from that my way of thinking will lead me to stand alone, and maybe as i should be.

5. What are the advantages and disadvantages of thinking this way? 

you ask good questions, McGill counseling. the advantage is i keep my identity my freedom and my individuality without having to blend it soften it to anyone. disadvantage is I'll be forever alone and wont probably go far in life because we all love d sucking slippery snakes.

6.  Am I asking questions that have no answers?

probably. you cant have all for nothing. but i believeeeeeeeeee

7. Am I thinking in all-or-nothing terms?

oh crap yes

8. Am I using ultimatum words in my thinking? 

yes

9. Am I condemning myself as a total person on the basis of a single event?

yeah kinda, which sucks 

10. Am I concentrating on my weakness and forgetting my strengths?

my strengths is uh i would say im pretty smart, dont make fun of me you guys. I would say i am also pretty determined. i would say another strength or weakness if you call it is i am pretty neurotic, which leads to heighten paranoia and gut instincts which is very clutch sometimes, but it is also yk, neurotic. when i was younger i could get into the mindset of abandoning everything i had and was to pursuit a goal which was very useful in getting ahead, but now that I'm older and have some things to cling to, some flowers along the road i could smell i didnt anymore 

my weakness thers alot. 1)i have very low energy 2)I could not bother with routines or beaurucratic work 3)i do not care about alot of people in my life, which you could say is a strength. 4)I do not get the "societal etiquette" of saving face or noticing sensitivity, i generally see them as pointless and a burden

11. Am I blaming myself for something which is not really my fault?

if you are in a kindergarten and another kid is tarded and you call him out on it, stating the obvious fact without malintent, like "you iq is below 80 points" or smth, it would be pretty mean but not a major offense.

12. Am I taking something personally which has little or nothing to do with me?

no it has to do with me

13. Am I expecting myself to be perfect? 

yes, i want to be a perfect partner a perfect person and i want to know everything and master every skill, so i guess

14. Am I using a double standard? 

i think i am. i am expecting others of what i dont expect in myself so thats unfair

15. Am I paying attention only to the black side of things? 

i dont know if i have selective memory but i could only remember the major bad stuff that happened in my life. i never really remember any major positives except its beautifully raining yesterday, which is a minor positive. or maybe nothign positive ever happened in my life (shut up please refer to question 7 and 8. you fool)

16. Am I overestimating the chances of disaster?

i dont think so. the chances of disaster are very real but FOR ONCE i am believing

17. Am I exaggerating the importance of events?

i probably am. gonna be maybe in ten or fifteen yearts i would have forgotten this all together. just a blurry mess of what a shitty life i had (please refer to question 15, maybe there will be good things!)

18. Am I fretting about the way things ought to be, instead of accepting and dealing with them as they are?

i guess? i expect things but things arent the way i expect

19. Am I assuming I can do nothing to change my situation? 

I can do, it is within my ability, yes

20. Am I predicting the future instead of experimenting with it?

I totally am

what did we learn today kids? negative thoughts arent real! and things are fine as they are, if it becomes not fine then I'll deal with it, right? i hope you are entertained as much as I am watching the mmmm character growth mmm yes positive vibes only

ok bye now gotta get some beer ffs