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in december, i took an edible far too strong for my brain. it was a gummy, which melted in a jar and its resin content spiked. it resulted in a terrifying greening-out where i realized i was alive, and felt entirely disconnected from the world and my body. i realized i was alive and it scared me deeply.
in those following months, i had been having intense, daily struggles with derealization and the anxiety around it. i didn't feel real, my body didn't feel real, the thought that i was living and time was passing and the infinity of time and the universe were too large of concepts for me to think about without breaking down into a nervous wreck. those thoughts became obsessive.
pmdd hadn't helped, so 50% of the time i was in a constant panic and unease as my hormones fluxuated. recently i was put on antidepressants (1/4th of a normal dose) because of how much i was suffering and attempting to express it to anyone who would listen. it has significantly brought me out of that place, and though i still struggle with wondering what is out there, what i am, and why everything exists, i am better. i still have work to do, but as i try and figure out my life, this made me realize the finiteness of my life, and i've been doing things i've been meaning to do. i think it was a necessary experience. but honestly, i couldn't be more gung-ho about putting it behind me.
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Lillllllllllllllllllllith
That shit's the exact reason I stopped fucking around with smarties
michi
I don't normally interact with these kinds of posts but I want to let you know that you're not alone with these struggles at all. The best part of you talking openly about this is that you've completed the first step to handling your depersonalization. Being able to identify it and acknowledge that you are struggling with it is the first and most important step to learning to control it.
Aside from the medications and your therapy sessions, the best thing you can do is to connect to your body daily, sometimes multiple times a day. For me, it includes playing head, shoulders, knees, and toes and doing brief exercises. Counting your fingers and toes, looking in the mirror and acknowledging your eyes, nose, and mouth can also be helpful. Anything to remind you that you have a body and are connected to it can be helpful! Always remember to reach out to those around you or your therapist when you're struggling and your exercises aren't as effective. I know this is very basic advice but as someone who still occasionally disassociates and experiences depersonalization, I understand what you're going through and can only hope that this will help you somehow!
Good luck, be safe, and don't be afraid to ask your family or therapist for help!