The anniversary is coming up fast..

I'm really having a lot of trouble processing my emotions, and the grief that came with my Dad's passing.

It will be nearly two years since throat/lung cancer and alcoholism took him. ( We all tried our hardest to help him to quit and get help. But he was a stubborn old git that refused to let anyone help him, let alone let his kid see him like that. )

My Dad was prideful. He never asked for help, and if it was given ( especially money ) he always gave it to someone that needed it more than he did. He was a genuinely wonderful, and amazing man. Though he had his faults there was still a spark or wonder and kindness within him.

I loved him. Still love him. We all do.

I just haven't felt right since he died. I never got to say 'goodbye' to him.

Circumstances prevented me from getting there on time. I had just stepped into his apartment, set my bags down and was chatting with my cousin for a moment before my Aunt called to tell me: "Sweetheart, he's gone. I'm sorry. Gods, I'm so sorry.."

Dad never wanted anyone to see him weak.

He fought tooth and nail to protect those he loved and those that couldn't protect themselves.

I miss him so damned much.

All I want to hear is the sound of his footsteps, and his rumbly voice saying:: "Hey, Kiddo."

It's selfish of me to want him to come back when he's finally at peace. I know that.

I just miss him.

June 26th ( Sat ) 11:14AM is when I got the call.

He died on a rainy afternoon. I'll never forget how hollow I felt afterwards.

I still have so much to process. I'm really working on it, but right now with all the stress that about to reach a head, I find myself wanting to curl into a ball and give into old vices. But I know that would break my Dad's heart, so I'm resisting.

I don't know why I'm rambling so much. I just needed to vent.

Thank you.