diary #14

i cant really remember how long its been 

i still struggle to recognise my surroundings and myself, i started losing my memories a few days ago and it freaked me out alot, the only proof i have of things happening are photos and videos but apart from that i cant seem to remember any names or recall any of my experiences, the past month? (i think?) has been a massive blur and my brain is just blocking out everything, i've lost more weight and i cant eat so ive lost all my energy

i've stopped attending college because im too unstable, but i really want to see people again, i havent left my house in ages and even looking out the window makes me panic

i miss my friends alot but ive started to doubt their existence, my parents tell me theyre real but i just cant seem to believe it, it feels like everyones fake and im living in a simulation or game, i just really want proof that people are real but i cant seem to believe them

however this friday im leaving the coutnry to visit family for 10 days and im really nervous but hopefully being outdoors will help me a little bit, i've deleted all social media excedpt spacehey and youtube

i really want to be able to touch or hug or see someone again and i just want to feel like myself again.