fucking HELL 14/5/2024

My aunt is fucking pressing me to stop with the non talking

Cus I don't talk to her, full on mutism 

And she thinks the only reason I was doing it was cus I was afraid of coming out 

And it's not that 

She presses me

I can't have a fucking normal conversation with her

Because they don't exist 

Wether you fucking talk to her or not she will press you on any given matter for 20 fucking minutes each time- because she will bring it up again, for the fucking rest of the eternity - and she doesn't care about your opinion, she doesn't care about your perspective, she doesn't care when you say no. She wants to hear you agreeing with her and nothing else 

And oh how dare you say she's stressing you, oh how dare you say she's pressing, she's only doing this for your good, oh poor saint fucking Mary does nothing wrong

Here's the thing 

Who the fuck cares about your motivation if the actions are these. I don't care. I don't care why she does it. She's like a fucking child that wants to hear a yes. When I was a child I couldn't press her. It was no and the no would remain no or a "we'll see" that's really just a no. And if I pressed further yk what she would do? Would she hear me out? No, shed stop the conversation, stop talking, and ignore me

I'm doing exactly what I saw her doing 

Why would I try talking with someone that doesn't understand how talking fucking works? At every conversation I end up exhausted, I end up stressed, I end up mad, tired, overwhelmed. 

She's like the fucking noise of the train doors. 

The new trains, to warn that the door is gonna close, start beeping like fucking crazy, so fast, so high, it drives me fucking crazy I have to put on headphones just to not hear them

Because when I get fucking overwhelmed then I get the fucking urge to throw whatever I have in my hands n shit

And that's what she does

She fucking drowns you in this endless fucking stream of words, repeated words of course, in fucking loop, like a broken furby and you just wanna fucking scream and you can't do that because if you get mad then you're the villain and she's fucking Mary Magdalene or whatever.

She fucking made fun of the fact that I was scared she might kick me out of the house for being trans

Cus oh that's not someone experiencing fucking fear for something that has been happening since the dawn of time, living in fucking Italy where everything is gay and homophobic at the same fucking time, living in a house with someone catholic that doesn't really understand any queer related things. Oh how dare the fucking freak being scared of shit happening to them exactly the same way the heard so many fucking times 

For fuck sake she won't let me get the most basic earring holes and I'm supposed to think she'd be okay with me wanting to do permanent changes to my body? 

Because that's not what you're doing in her perspective. You're attacking her, you're putting into question her unconditional love 

Every fucking thing you say is putting her unconditional love into question so much that I'm thinking she's the fucking one questioning it. And thinks everyone has the same fucking thoughts as her. She's the one that thinks people are judgmental, while she's the only real judgmental and nobody else fucking cares.

I got fucking tired months and months ago of feeling like whatever I said didn't matter, that my nos meant nothing, that my opinion was irrelevant, that I had no fucking control and I stopped trying to argue back. 

I don't agree, I'm not letting her win, it's not fucking fair, and the only other thing I know to do is treat her like she taught me someone who keeps asking something should be treated. You get what you plant. 

Oh and then after painting herself like the saint and the victim of the situation, she threatens to run away from home

Do you know how many times during my childhood I've heard this threat? Oh but I'm crazy for fearing the possibility of her kicking me out. Oh how dare you say she'd be capable of suck evil things. Not like I've heard all my life the possibility of her abandoning me. Sure.the fucking irony.

I'm tired of this cycle. Of this loop of one of us being the victim and the other the perpetrator of something. One wear the sheep clothes and the other the wolf fur and this fucking theatre never ceases. And I'm tired. And the only thing I know other than lashing out and scream is to ignore her and not talk. That's the only two fucking choices you had in this household. There were not a lot of fucking sorrys. I'm unable to say sorry to people. I'm unable to figure out when in in the wrong. 

And I'm unable to confront people because I don't wanna show the anger that in years and years I got scared of. So I just do cold shoulders, and I know it's not less shitty, but it feels like the less harmful I've learnt between the two. 

And another thing I learnt is to not tell her stuff. Straight up. So I wouldn't be pressed with words and words and words. I make a mess? I try to fix it on my own. I have to go somewhere? I have to do something? I'm not telling her. For what, hear her warning of how somehow the most stupid thing ever is super dangerous and look out for this and that and warning over warnings over warnings and god do you want me to have to take Xanax every two fucking hours? But how dare you tell her to shut up and not give you anxiety over everything. She's saying it only for your own good 

Here's the thing, I didn't ask! I don't care! I never asked! And everytime I don't hide something from her I regret it. Everytime I'm like "I should have stayed silent"

So I'll tell her why I don't talk, and she will play the victim, don't care ab what I have to say, an

d the cycle fucking continues