family reunion

Date: 12 may 2024 

I went to see my relatives this weekend. 4 hours away in some hotel we met up and apparently it was because my grandparents wanted to exchange rings a second time (I only found out about it there). At first I felt alright, then I started panicking right before dinner, but at dinner fortunately I had a pretty good time. I sat next to one of my cousins that I talked to. We talked abt anything and everything, he told me I had "gotten funny". I think I have been like this for a while now but maybe not? He said I was more like my brother now, I don't really like that. Not bcs my brother is bad I actually really admire him, but because I wish I could be funny in my own way, not just in a "funny like your brother" way. I often feel like I have no identity and that my only identity is just the ones I've stolen from others. Jokes, mannerisms, actions, even looks, it's all just things I've taken from others. But it helps me to know that I myself have never thought of someone as "without an identity" or unidentifiable, cs it must mean that others identify me in some sort of way too.

Besides the family reunion I've also been playing League of Legends with my brother recently, its not going well but its going. "Wtf is Ezreal doing?" "That's what we're all wondering" I DON'T KNOW EITHER OKAY, CALM DOWN. So yea very soothing game lol.

I've also been thinking about this online friend I had, I ghosted her, and I still feel terrible about it. If I gain contact with her again I risk ghosting her again so I'm not going to do that, that would be way to cruel. So I'm just hoping this terrible feeling goes away, I can't think abt it forever. The reason I thought of this was bcs I got a notification from one of her posts (which is weird cs she's blocked), talking about me. She doesn't seem to blame me too much but I honestly kinda wish she would, now I just feel even worse. Wish she would curse me out talking about what a shitty guy I am, but she's not. And it's making it so much harder.

Anyway I should prolly go to bed now, I got home today so I'm pretty tired. I hope tomorrow is a good day. 

- Elliot