Monday, February 12th, 2024

ALL ABOUT THE EFFECT, NOT THE INTENTION.

Hurting others while having good intentions will still negatively impact them.

I hate that he is blaming himself. I hate how he thinks it is his fault. All this happened because of me. 

If I still had feelings for her, I would not have gone to see her. I have found my soulmate, my boyfriend. I have eyes for only him. I understand my actions, behavior, choices, have no excuses. I did not mean to hurt him. That is the last thing I want to do. I had the purest intentions. At the end of the day, I damaged him. So much.. I made him lose trust in me. All for what? Just to have meaningless conversation with someone not worth the time. I hate I kept my past a secret from him. I regret responding to that first text. I am an idiot. No, I am brain dead..

I am so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. Especially in such a despicable way. I will prove you can trust me again. You are the best person I have ever met and am honored I get to call you my man. I don't want anything that we have go to waste. Seriously, I do not deserve you. At all. Not only were you caressing me mid argument, but also asking me if I was ok. I am the one who did you wrong, not the other way around. Even after utterly disgusting you with my actions, you still choose to love me.

"I thought you'd be completely different from her.." "When I heard what you did, I genuinely felt sick." "Are you mad at me? Did I do anything to make you go with her?"

P.S. Update 05112024

Kind of forgot about this draft. Time to give a little context. A couple days prior to this argument, I had hung out with one of my friends from high school. I had a massive crush on her when we were still in school, but she never knew. We met up for boba then later went to the local nerd store (store that sells books/games/music/movies/etc). After hanging out I drove her home. Some days pass & I am with my boyfriend watching football with my family. Afterwards we go to my sister's house to hang out. She had told my boyfriend she had something to tell him in private & she could not say with me present. Later, I get tired & decide to go home, leaving my boyfriend & sister to talk. I was gonna wait for my boyfriend to come home but I decided to sleep since it was super late. I wake up alone around 3AM. I was so confused over where my boyfriend had gone but turns out he was sleeping on the couch. I was nudging him trying to wake him up and ask if he wanted to come sleep in bed with me. My boyfriend is somewhat of a people pleaser so I thought he settled for the couch because he did not want to wake me. He woke up and told me the couch was fine. I told him the least I could do is give him a proper blanket. I gave him a blanket, I go back to bed. Later on I hear the blanket fall on the ground. I ask him what's wrong. He says "nothing" still laying down, not looking at me. I could tell he had something on his mind. I reassure him he can tell me anything. Later, he confesses to me my sister told him everything about the girl. I don't really remember specifics around this point in the conversation but I remember noticing he was torn on what to make of the situation. Not by flat out saying it but bringing up points that wouldn't make sense with his previous statements. There is a reason for this, I will get to it later. Quotes I remember him saying around this time of the argument "You basically went on a date with her" "Some people would take that as cheating. I personally don't." "I don't take this type of behavior lightly. If it happens again, I am leaving you." I express to him he is the only one I want. I would do absolutely anything for him. He then tells me he doesn't have trust in me anymore. When these words left his mouth I felt sick to my stomach. He then starts blaming himself. Thinking he did something to deserve feeling like this. By the end of this argument, we're both crying. He asks me if I am ok. I kept saying it doesn't matter how I feel, I made YOU upset. He hugs me, kisses me on the forehead continuously asking if I'm ok. All I could say back is it doesn't matter how I feel. I honestly forgot how we ended the argument. I just remember him using the sink then asked if it was still broken. I said yes & this man suddenly starts working on the sink. Not sure why but it made me feel horrible. I just saw him with such extreme emotion towards me & still decides to do this for me. Still decides to hug me and kiss me. I seriously do not deserve him. Later he mentions it's cold in the living room so I give him my only heater to use. He did not want me to go without it because I get sick easily but I still left it for him. With no surprise I woke up with a sore throat & sniffles the next morning. I want to say about a month later my sister's husband told me that the night of the argument, when my boyfriend was at my sister's house, both my brother-in-law & my sister told my boyfriend not to break up with me. I honestly didn't know how to take that. Was he going to break up with me if they didn't tell him that? That is a question I do not want the answer to. Now back to the present day. We are doing so much better since that night. I am happy things are going great.

P.P.S Posting this without rereading or revising the 'update' portion. Hope It's still readable & understandable. xoxo