mothers days eve

i cant write very well bc im shaking. just now i heard my mom speaking on her phone with her sister, and she was sayin how bad of a daughter i am. i couldnt help crying. i will try to draw about it.

im sorry for ruining your life. i know i make your life worse, and i know evrything would be better if i was dead. im sorry, but handling life is really hard for me, and i have no ideia of how you cant see through my eyes, how broken i am, because im not always able to hide it. actually, when i cant hide it, you burst into laughs. its cruel. but i know you cant guess what im going trough, but anyway, its curious how you notice everyones sadness and feel sorry for all of them, but cant do the same with your own child. 

im trying, i swear. i try with all my strength, every single day, to do basic things, like taking a shower of helping you with home tasks. im fighting all the time, against the will of rotting till death. and its so, so hard. i feel the weight of the world upon my shoulders, and it overwhelms me. i dont know if i can take much longer. but i will try harder, because its still not enough. i will try to be a better daughter, even though i now you wouldnt and dont do the same for me. i just wanted to look right into your eyes and say im sorry for everything i put you through. 

and i know i am a terrible daughter, but feeling bad and wanting to apologize already makes me better than you, cause i know you would never do that. i know you dont care about being a good mom, and you dont worry about how your words and actions affect me. but i do. thats why i still have my whole body shaking.