only if i was pretty

these days i was omw back home from my aunts house, and she said ´you look skinny. you used to be fat as hell, now youre looking good.´. this reminded me that, that same day, my brother said that i looked fat. and i just wanted to die. because i struggle with my body every single day. i starve every single day so i can lose my tummy fat. i discount my problems over myself, by not eating or s3lf-h4rming. i spend seven hours without eating at school so no one sees my belly, and i uncounsciosly squeeze my belly every time i go out. i hate my whole body. my boobs and butt could be bigger, my waist could be thiner, my hips could be larger and i could have thicker tights. my skin could be clear, my nose and smile could be pretty. everything about my appearance is wrong. i wanna die when i see a girl with a perfect body. i wana die when i see mine. i wanna die when i see myself in pictures. theres no way people see me that way.

why do i even have friends? how come people dont mind being around someone as ugly as me? what the fuck did i do so wrong for god to give me this look? and the worst is, im also ugly on the inside. i mean, im not evil, but im ugly. i dont have a passionate personality. nothing about me is pretty. im not funny, or smart, or kind, or charismatic. im just a bunch of traumas glued togheter, and a lonely love for art. thats all. my soul is ugly. its broken. and its not in a pretty, cliche 00s teen movie way. its not like a main character that says ´you cant stay with me, im a mess. im too complicated´. im not the type of mess people fall in love with. 

only if i was pretty. maybe then people would love me. maybe life would be better if i had a perfect body. if my body and soul didnt have any scars. maybe then i wouldnt want to die.