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So for the past year or two I've really hated being on meds. It's definitely a good thing I started taking them, I was starting to do pretty bad before. But it was always meant to be just temporarily while I also go through therapy, I wasn't doing THAT bad I guess. However, after therapy was over I was kinda scared everything would go back to being worse if I quit taking meds, so I just kept taking them. Which I did for 6 years. There is no psychiatrist/psychologist in this small town, one of the local doctors just saw that a psychiatrist from the city prescribed these to me and he'd let me renew the prescription as long as I want without questions.
And yeah the meds took away my problems, but they took a lot of
things away...any energy, motivation, excitement, many feelings really.
But without any of these, I also couldn't really get myself to go do
much about it, there was just not much I cared about.
But about three
months ago I finally took the step to talk about whether I should try
to go off them, and they immediately thought it was a good idea. It
would just still take a month of slowly reducing them first.
And I'm
about to write how that went, but first I gotta quickly say what the
problem was. To put it very briefly, I guess most people when they think
to themselves have an inner voice saying their thoughts right? And some
people even have inner conversations with themself to sort out their
thoughts I guess, at least I have always been told that many people talk
to themselves and it is normal. The problem is, I always also had an
inner voice that I have no control over. It usually kept warning me that
nobody likes me and they plan to hurt me, and over time started saying
worse and worse things.
Anyway, it went away after I started taking meds. And without this
constant stream of thoughts reminding me not to trust anyone, I started
wondering if I had been wrong about people. This is where the therapy
came in. It mostly involved me talking about past interactions with
people and what I thought was happening, and my therapist then
explaining that my feelings were most likely very inaccurate. Which was
kinda frustrating to hear...and in my time of having little energy I
just spent a lot of hours remembering things and how they make no sense
now.
Alright so now we get to quitting meds after 6 years. I'll save the
change in feelings for later, there's a more important thing that
happened. I did have one online friend left who always kept checking up
on me, and I told her I'm quitting meds and to maybe be aware of
possible changes. Which led to quite a lot of conversations about my
mental health, and at one point she kinda had to go for a while and said
something that very vaguely could be misinterpreted as needing a break
from me. And after she left, immediately this voice came back, for the
first time in 6 years. Telling me she left cause she's so tired of me
talking, and I'm an idiot who just completely ruined our friendship
because I thought she actually cared, nobody really cares when they ask
how you're doing and she hates me now.
And yeah that kinda hurt, but
then I remembered my therapy, and all the memories I talked about where
it turned out people were actually being nice to me and I was wrong. And
I just told this voice to shut up, that it was only YOU who hates me,
and it always has been, so get lost. And then I just asked my friend
instead, whether she was getting tired of me and apologizing for taking
up so much time, and I believed her when she said I'm good.
I did have to do that about two more times that week, but by the third time it was basically just a routine "Not you again..", and honestly it just kinda started getting quiet after that. For 6 weeks straight now. It's really calm and I have been, very carefully, doing stuff I was always uncomfortable with just to see if I get to hear a bunch of warnings, suspicions and insults in my head. And nothing. It's just as quiet as when I was on meds, except I actually feel like doing things now.
The return of excitement after feeling numb on these meds so many years has been amazing. Which has been especially amazing with music, it is so much better now, I keep losing track of time. And I can dance to it without feeling scared somebody might see.
And I've been talking so much to my one online friend I've kept. Without constantly obsessing in my head whether what I'm about to say is good enough, we just have fun talking about random stuff now. I so wanna make more friends to talk to, meeting new people sounds so exciting, I mean kinda scary too but I wanna get to know what different people are like, not just stick with people I am already comfortable with.
Oh and I have so much more time! I stay up late without falling asleep in place, and then I wake up early in the morning all energized. I can read a book any time again, instead of having to find the couple hours per day where my imagination doesn't seem stunted. And even before the meds did that, I used to have to make sure I have nothing to worry about if I wanna focus on a book.
Alright that's enough now, I got a bit carried away as I tend to with everything now, cause everything just feels so much more comfortable. Overall, I'm just enjoying life way more than ever, I know I still have issues but at least things are going in the right direction now.
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