mothers day

As it gets closer to mothers day I become emptier yet I'm more emotional. I feel so conflicted I cry at my emptiness and blame my mother for it because she caused my empty heart. I was just a kid who want to be loved who wanted a hug who just wanted too hold someones hand. I cry in my bed because I cant hold my moms hand. Not because of the fact shes dead or that I cant remember the sound of her voice but I cant hold her hand and feel her warmth one more time. I was always warn by my dad not give my mom kisses or hug her too much. so hand holding was the only thing I could comprises with. Now hand holding makes me feel relaxed and comfortable. as much as I wish I could know my mom I wont ever get a chance too. It makes me angry. The last time I held her hand it was cold and blue. why can't I have a mom? just for a day I want a mom and I want to hold her hand and feel warmth.